Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age by Susan Proto
Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age
by Susan Proto ([email protected])
Category: MSR (marriage) and Walter/Maggie (marriage). Lots of MulderAngst, ScullyAngst, and even a little bit of MulderTorture thrown in for good measure! (YES! I do love ya, Vickie! <g>)
Rating: PG13 for language!
Spoilers: To be honest, I don't think there's any real spoilers at this point-my universe has kind of taken a life onto its own, but to play it safe, let's say through season four, and specifically, mention of a certain scene from "Kaddish."
Summary: Mulder chooses to take on a new challenge, but finds his past once again hinders him. He needs the help of his therapist, but more importantly, his family to help him succeed.
Archive: Yes.
Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana, and Maggie Scully, as well as Walter Skinner belong to 10/13 productions and Chris Carter. Adam Mulder, Rabbi Ginsburg, and any other character you don't recognize are all mine. (Heck, if CC wants to borrow my characters, all he has to do is ask nicely! <g>)
Since I have learned to play nice in the sandbox, I am only borrowing CC's characters and promise to return them at the end of the story. Honest. I promise. Believe me. Please, because I couldn't afford to be sued on my salary.
Also of note is an interesting site called "Navigating the Bible." Pertinent information was found at this site, regarding Mulder's birth date.
Introduction: This is the next story in the series, though not a direct follow-up to number LC XIII. I would recommend reading the previous stories in the series, since there is some continuity (I hope there is at any rate!) regarding the characters and Mulder's newest journey; a journey I will be very familiar with come April 17, 1999! This is for my "baby boy", Daniel.
Oh Vickie, thank you so much for the feedback on this one. You are the best! Truly!
Feedback: Please! And to those who I have yet to respond to, I promise, once I get the report cards out of the box and actually record something on them, I will get back to you. I promise. Really. <Kicking real life back in the tush!>
Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age
Part 1/6 Mulder picked up the phone and fingered the receiver tentatively. He knew it shouldn't be any big deal, but on the other hand, he thought it had the potential to turn into more of a hassle than he'd want to deal with. He punched in the recall button and then the number one. He knew she'd be at the other end, and while his heart warmed at the thought of speaking with his Scully, he also wondered if he should simply forget about the whole thing. As he listened to the phone ring, he realized he could count on his one hand how many times he'd ditched his wife in the last six years or so since they'd been married. He figured he was long overdue. "Hello," she answered in the conventional manner. "Scully, it's me," he replied in his usual manner. It was always 'Scully' when he called her from the bureau; it was never Dana, or his preferred, 'Dane.' From the work place she was Scully. "Hey, You. What's up?" "Nothing much. It's quiet here Too quiet. I'm not used to this solo shit, you know. How's he doing?" He being their four year old son, Adam. He'd excitedly started nursery school full time that past September, but the inevitable onslaught of colds and sore throats began shortly thereafter. This latest bout was a full fledged case of the flu, and Scully felt it best to stay home with him, rather than depend upon her mother. "He's coughing and crying, sneezing and crying, and sleeping and crying. Wanna stay home with him tomorrow?" she asked only half jokingly. "Oh, Dane, I'm sorry. This is a tough one, huh?" "Yeah, but easy compared to what the Goldfarb's went through with Jason," she remarked, alluding to the cancer scare they all went through with the youngest Goldfarb. "I would say that had to be the understatement of the year. I still have nightmares about it," he replied. "I know, Mulder," she murmured knowingly. "Yeah," he chuckled softly, "I guess you would be the one and only who would know for sure. Did I wake you up last night too?" "Yes," she replied with only a hint of hesitation, "but I was only half asleep. I never sleep well when either of my Mulder men don't feel well. "So," she continued, "when do we have the honor of having you join us for dinner?" This was the question he was dreading being asked. He knew it shouldn't seem like a big deal, but it was. After all, she'd been home all day with a sick child, and now he was planning on ditching her. Openly and knowingly, ditching her. And he felt like a fourteen karat gold heel for doing it. But he also felt if he didn't go through with it now, he might chicken out and never do it. He had to try. He knew he had to at least look into it, for his own peace of mind. "Um, Dane? I hate to do this to you, since I know you could probably use some relief real soon, but I have some research to do before I can get home tonight. Don't bother to wait dinner for me, okay? I should be home no later than eight or so," he said, and then he added in an attempt to placate her, "Listen, I'll stay home with Adam tomorrow, okay?" "Wait a minute. Research? What research? For an X-file?" "Well, it's not the usual fare, so I guess it could almost be classified as an X-file," he said with a hint of a nervous chuckle. "I'm gonna get moving on this so I can get home to you and Adam, okay?" "Mulder, you're not going out to do anything stupid, are you?" "I hope not," he mumbled. "What?" "Nothing, Dane. Look, it's no big deal. Really. I just have to look into something. I don't know if it'll pan out." "Okay," she replied with some uneasiness. "Hey, Mulder? I love you, G-Man." "Love you too, Dane. I'll see you in a couple of hours, I promise. I'll have my cell on in case you need me for anything, 'kay?" and then he added, "Everything is fine, Dane. I promise you, everything is fine." Which, of course, when ever it concerned Mulder, Dana knew meant quite the opposite. ~~~~~ Temple Emanuel Office of Rabbi Gerry Ginsburg Gerry looked at his watch one more time and sighed. He had been surprised to hear from his secretary that Fox Mulder made an appointment. His secretary gave no indication as to what the reason was, but whenever Fox Mulder was concerned, it gave him pause. The man certainly wasn't coming to see him for counseling, as Gerry already knew Mulder had a private therapist, Dr. Karen Woods. He hoped everything was all right between Mulder and his lovely wife, Dana. And their little boy. He prayed all was well with him. Gerry knew the sun rose and set on that child to both of his parents. It would be a horrible twist of fate if something were wrong with him. Everyone had already weathered the storm of the Goldfarb Family's difficulty with young Jason, and Gerry knew Mulder played a direct role in the young boy's recovery. He hoped there were no complications with that situation. But now he looked at his watch and saw it was almost fifteen minutes after the appointed time. Gerry considered the possibility Fox had changed his mind, or was too wrapped up in his work at the FBI to call and cancel. As he was just about to accept either of those possible scenarios, Gerry heard a light rapping on the door. "Come in." "Rabbi?" Mulder said tentatively as he walked into the office. "I'm sorry I'm late, but the traffic was horrendous. Serves me right for actually leaving the office on time." "No problem, Fox. Come, come. Sit down." When he saw the confused look on Mulder's face, Gerry chuckled and said, "Oh, sorry about that. Just move that pile over to where that other pile is. There's never enough time in a year , much less a day for me to catch up on all of my reading." Mulder did as he was directed and sat down. "So, Fox. My secretary didn't give me any information as to the purpose of this appointment. What can I do for you?" "Um, well, I wanted to talk to you about__." Mulder bounced up out of the seat. "Look, this is a mistake. I'm sorry, Rabbi, for taking up your time. I gotta get home. Adam's sick, and Dane's been stuck at home with him all day. I'll see you at__." "__Fox! Is Adam all right? It's not serious, is it?" the Rabbi interrupted with concern. His mind flashed back all to well to Jason Goldfarb's illness. "No, it's nothing serious. Just the flu. Since Adam's started nursery school full time, he and his classmates have shared every germ known to mankind." "Well, that's a relief. So now, please, sit down, and talk to me. Something is obviously on your mind. Maybe I can help. I'd like to help if I can." Gerry looked at Mulder intently, and practically willed him to return to the waiting chair. Mulder sat down, but almost gingerly, as if he was sitting on a hot seat. In Mulder's mind, it was a hot seat. He didn't know if he had the nerve to continue the conversation as he'd originally intended. The truth of it was, he felt foolish. Very, very foolish. "Look, Rabbi, it's just I've realized how silly this whole idea of mine is," Mulder finally admitted. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that." He stood up again and began to pace slowly about the room. Since it wasn't a very big room, it only took Mulder a few strides to go from end to end. "Fox," Gerry pleaded, "talk to me." Mulder stopped dead in his tracks and looked at the rabbi. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but then closed it. Gerry decided to wait him out. Several minutes passed by, when finally, Gerry was rewarded. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I mean, it's something I'd like to do, but I don't know if I can. I mean, I really don't know if I'm allowed to and if I am, I don't know if _I_ can do it." "What, Fox?" "Rabbi, I'm embarrassed." "Embarrassed? What could you possibly want to do that would be an embarrassment? Tell me." Mulder looked back at Gerry Ginsburg and wondered if he could admit his secret desire, even to him. He didn't know, but he finally figured the only way to find out was to try. "Gerry, I want to have a Bar Mitzvah," he blurted out. Mulder stood there and waited for the man before him to burst into laughter over the absurdity of it all. After all, Mulder was thirty-eight years old. His son was over four years old. What business would he have becoming a Bar Mitzvah? The whole thing was ridiculous, and if Gerry would just tell him so, he would be on his way home before his cheeks became any more red than they already were. "Fox! This is a wonderful idea. A noble goal! Why in heaven's name would you be embarrassed?" Gerry asked in amazement. "Why? Gerry, I'm thirty-eight years old for God's sake!" "Exactly!" the Rabbi retorted. "What? I'm sorry, I don't underst__." "It is for God's sake, Fox. I think it's wonderful you've decided to study for your Bar Mitzvah. You know, Fox, there are many, many adults who study for their Bar or Bat Mitzvah, because, for what ever reason, they did not study as a child. "In fact," Gerry continued, "I have three women in an Adult Hebrew class this year alone. All of them are studying for their Bat Mitzvah." "Yeah, women__," he mumbled. "What, Fox? You think adult classes are for only women? Men can't lose their way too?" he asked somberly. "No, it's just that I'm a guy; I'm supposed__." Mulder stopped short and drew in a breath of the sudden flash of memory. "___ It's never too late to start, Fox. We can start anytime you'd like. How's your Hebrew?" "Hebrew? I don't read Hebrew. I mean, I used to, when I was a kid, but I don't remember any of it," Mulder replied somewhat dazed by the suddenness of Gerry's planning. "Nothing?" Mulder remembered back to the NYC investigation of the Golem. He recalled picking up the sepher yetzirah and wincing as the NYC Rabbi tried to explain the words on the page. He couldn't read any of it. He felt so guilty in having to admit he couldn't read the ancient language. The strange thing about it was, at one time, he could. He had been actually quite adept at reading Hebrew. He remembered he'd tackled it as if it were some kind of secret code, and when he'd taken that tact, it had seemed fun to him. It was a puzzle he had needed to solve, and solve it he did. He had felt so confident when the Rabbi gave him his Haftorah to study in Trope class. "No, not since I'd dropped out of Trope class," he murmured in memory. "Trope? Fox, you were taking a Bar Mitzvah class?. So, nu, what happened?" he asked curiously. Mulder closed his eyes. The question was innocent enough, but it certainly didn't take the sting away from the hurt and pain he felt in recalling the answer. "I'd begun the class in September of '73. My sister was taken that November. I stopped going to class after that. I stopped going to Temple too." "I'm sorry for that, Fox. You could have used the faith and support of the Temple." "Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly my choice, Rabbi." "No, I guess not. But Fox, if you were in a Trope Class, that must mean you knew how to read Hebrew, no?" "I did, back then, but I can't now. I mean, I was actually pretty good at it, since I've got a pretty good memory and was able to picture the symbols in my head. It wasn't hard for me to decode it at all. "But ever since Sam was taken __." Mulder 's voice drifted off a bit before he continued. "Well, let's just say, my memory has always been a little hazy about experiences which happened around the time of Sam's abduction." "Well, then, I guess we'll need to start from the beginning, though I suspect once you begin, your ability to read will come back to you," Gerry concluded. "When do you want to begin?" "I, I don't know." "Well, it's only ten after seven. How about we begin right now?" the rabbi encouraged. "Now? You mean right now?" Mulder asked anxiously. This was something he'd decided a while ago he really wanted, but he wasn't sure if the journey he'd need to get there was going to be worth it. "How about we make it a mini lesson tonight. Fifteen minutes, that's all we'll do tonight. Just to get your feet wet, so to speak?" the rabbi cajoled. "Fifteen minutes__? I do have to go home soon, Rabbi__. Fifteen minutes?" "Yes, fifteen minutes. Sit. Come sit," he directed and then instructed, "No, Fox, come sit here, by me. It'll be easier to see the text." As Fox moved over and sat directly next to Gerry, the rabbi opened a drawer and pulled out some sheets of paper with writing on it. "Okay, let's see if any of this comes back to you, okay?" he asked. Mulder sat stiffly while Gerry laid the sheet of paper before him. It had several Hebrew letters on it, but Mulder didn't have a clue as to what they meant. In fact, the more he tried to remember what the symbols meant, the more frustrated and upset he became. Only minutes passed, and he found himself hyperventilating. "God, Gerry, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I don't know why, but I can't!" he cried out in between gasps for air. "Fox, it's all right. Shh, it's all right. Sit down. Come. Sit." Mulder looked back at the rabbi and felt the redness creeping up from his neck to his cheeks. He was mortified with embarrassment. Mulder had no idea as to why he'd reacted the way he did, but suffice it to say, he felt completely humiliated. He looked at Rabbi Gerry with a sense of helplessness. This was yet another missing puzzle piece in his life he couldn't replace easily. Mulder finally sat down again, leaned over, and placed his head in his hands. Gerry quietly waited for his pupil to calm down and regain a sense of control. Mulder finally broke the silence and whispered, "I thought I wanted this." "And now you don't?" asked Gerry. "No, I mean, yes__. Shit, I don't know what the hell I mean," replied a very flustered Mulder. "Oh, God, Gerry. Excuse me. I didn't mean__." "It's okay, Fox. These walls have heard a few choice words come from my mouth too," he comforted. "Now, what do we do to help you?" "I don't know." "Fox, have you spoken to Dana about this?" "NO!" Mulder cried out more loudly than he'd intended. "Rabbi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, it's just that I hadn't told Dane about my plans regarding this, in case __, well, just in case __." "__In case it didn't work out," Gerry concluded for his distressed student. "So, now you have your out. You don't have to go through with it, which is probably just as well, since you were obviously not ready to make a commitment to learning Torah anyway," he baited. Which Mulder of course took, hook, line, and sinker. "Rabbi, how could you say that? I didn't have to come here, you know. I chose to come here. I've been thinking about this ever since Adam was born. Do you really think I'd make a decision like this lightly? I really, really want to do this." "Exactly my point. Now, what do we do to help you overcome this mental block so you can be a Bar Mitzvah?" Gerry asked rather smugly. "Why do I have a feeling I was just set up?" Mulder asked a bit sheepishly. "Because you were?" Mulder nodded in acknowledgment and Gerry then asked, "Fox, if you don't want to speak with Dana about this yet, will you speak with Dr. Woods?" Karen Woods has been Mulder's private therapist for about the last three years or so. Initially, he'd been attending sessions with her on an almost daily basis. She'd helped him overcome some emotional hurdles which had threatened to permanently debilitate him when his young son had gone missing a couple of years back. Eventually, the sessions were reduced to weekly, then monthly, and now, they were pretty much on an as needed basis. Mulder had learned how to deal with many of the emotional traumas of his childhood, and was well on his way to becoming a whole man. Only now, there was yet another obstacle in his path, and he didn't understand exactly what it was. "I guess I should call her. Damn, I haven't had to meet with her since last Passover. Look, I've got to get going. Dane's gonna have my head if I don't get home and give her a break from Adam and his flu bug. Thanks, Rabbi. Look, I'm sorry I wasted your time." "Fox Mulder, you did not waste my time!" he admonished. "You will make the phone call, yes?" "I will call Karen Woods," he said, but when he saw Gerry's eyebrow pop up, Mulder chuckled and reiterated, "Yes, I promise! I'll call Dr. Woods." The two men shook hands and Mulder walked out of the office. Gerry sat in wonderment over what demons lived in Fox Mulder's mind that could prevent Mulder from taking a step which had, and obviously still has, special meaning to him. The rabbi sat and shook his head in frustration and dismay. He hoped the younger man would make the call, as he'd promised. He prayed that he would. ~~~~~ Mulder walked through the door only a few minutes after eight and called out to his family. "Anybody home?" "SHHH!" Dana cried out in a stage whisper. "I think he's finally down for the count, and I don't need you waking him up." "Sorry. I was hoping to see him." "Oh, don't worry, you'll have all day with him tomorrow. Remember?" she retorted. "Yeah, I remember," he grinned as he pulled his beautiful wife and partner to him. "I'm sorry you got stuck with infirmary duty all day and night. Anything I can do for you now to make it up to you?" "Did you eat?" When he shook his head, she pulled him to the small kitchen and led him to the counter. "Sit. I kept some food warming for you. You can eat while you tell me what you were researching." He swallowed hard. He really hadn't planned on telling Dana about his plans for a Bar Mitzvah just yet. He wasn't sure why he was uncomfortable telling her. Perhaps it was because of his own discomfort. He recalled the Rabbi's words; he had his out. Perhaps he did want to have an escape valve, and if he told Scully it would really be a way of making a firm commitment to the plan. Was he ready to commit to it? He wanted to. Rationally he knew he wanted to. Emotionally, he had no idea if he was ready to. Just as she laid the plate of spaghetti and meatballs on the table, they both heard a loud cry of distress coming from Adam's room. Mulder jumped up and held up his hand toward Scully. "Go relax. My turn. I'll warm it up in the microwave later." He leaned over and kissed his wife on the forehead, and then walked towards his son's room. As he entered his room, he said a silent prayer of thanks for the reprieve. ~~~~~ By the time Mulder left Adam, having read to him three Dr. Seuss books as well as Good Night, Moon, three times, Scully had washed up and collapsed into bed. She was lightly snoring when Mulder finally joined her. He smiled at the notion of his Scully snoring. If he ever told her she snored, he could just hear her accusing him of telling bold-faced lies. So, like the good (and smart) husband he was, he never told her. Besides, if he did, she might do something about it, and he really didn't want her to stop. He found it very comforting to have an auditory reminder of her presence in his life. In his bed. By his side. ~~~~~ Adam woke Mulder up twice in the middle of the night. The first time was around two o'clock. Adam tried to connive another Dr. Seuss reading, which did not end in success. The second time occurred around four o'clock and was due to a spiking fever. Scully had been all ready to jump into Mommy-Doctor mode, but Mulder gently pushed her back down. He was taking over night duty since she was the one going into the office later that day. In order to reduce the fever, Mulder sponged his young son down with a lukewarm washcloth. He also administered some children's Motrin, which was what the pediatrician had recommended when Adam's fever spiked above 102. He'd been able to get it down to 103 from the 104 it was when he'd first heard his son's cries of distress. The first time Adam had spiked a fever, Mulder had gone into a complete state of panic. He feared the child would have to be taken to the hospital, and as he held too many horrendous memories of being in a hospital himself, he didn't want to subject his baby to one. Scully managed to remain the same, level headed person she always was, and called the pediatrician. She'd recommended the procedure he'd gone through earlier that morning. He'd become quite a pro at managing Adam's spiking fevers. He even managed to get through the occasional febrile seizure Adam had without having a seizure himself. So when the alarm clock rang, Mulder was very grateful it was for Scully and not him. He didn't think he could handle the office after having only gone to sleep a couple of hours before. Mulder hit the snooze alarm for his wife, and sank back into a deep sleep. ~~~~~ He felt a gentle kiss on his lips and smiled. He opened his eyes slowly and saw Scully standing before him, fully dressed, and ready to go. "How is he?" Mulder asked, knowing full well Scully wouldn't go anywhere without first checking on their son. "His head is as cool as a cucumber," she replied lightly. "How long were you up with him?" "A bit," he replied cryptically. "That long," she acknowledged. "Yeah. Should I call the doctor again if he's still running a fever?" he asked. "Maybe. Let's see how he does today. I'll call you later this morning, 'kay?" "Mmm-hmmm. C'mere," he said, as he pulled her onto him for a long, delicious kiss. However, just as he was about to deepen the kiss, she cried out, "No!" and scrambled off the bed quickly. Scully then ran into the bathroom, dry heaving all the way. "Dane?!" Mulder called out in alarm. "Dane, you okay?" A few moments passed before Scully could catch her breath. "Yeah, Mulder. I'm fine." "Maybe you should stay home too, Dane." "No, I'm all right now. I'm sorry, Mulder. I don't know what came over me. My stomach felt like it was ready to do the cha cha.." "Dane, maybe you've caught Adam's flu? Doncha think__," he began. "__No way, G-Man. I am going to escape being a wet nurse for a few hours if it kills me!" she said with a wry smile. "That's what I'm afraid of, Scully," Mulder cautioned. Scully smiled at his use of her maiden name. When ever Mulder was worried about her, he always reverted back to calling her Scully. It was one of Mulder's transparencies which endeared him to her heart. "I'm fine," she said, "really. And I am going to work. Have fun with Adam!" And Scully practically ran out of the house at just about the same time Mulder heard the call of the wild, otherwise known as their son. ~~~~~ Scully searched the office high and low. She looked for any kind of a file that would require extra research, and she was damned if she knew what it could have been. She sat down at his computer next and brought up his calendar to see if there was any hints of where he might have gone the previous evening. On the calendar, Mulder had made a notation; 'just do it.' Either her husband had watched one too many Nike commercials, or he had something to hide. "Research my ass," she muttered aloud. "Where the hell were you, Mulder?" It was at that moment the wave of nausea swept over her again, and Scully ran as quickly as she could to the restroom. ~~~~~ Meanwhile, all morning long, Mulder attempted to entertain his cranky, ill child. He read stories, brought him juice, and fed him applesauce to ease the medication down more easily. By ten thirty, he was already exhausted. He wondered how Scully managed the whole day and evening, yesterday. It made him feel all the more guilty for ditching Scully last night. At the same time, he held a continuous debate in his head over what he should do with regards to his desire to have a Bar Mitzvah. He knew there was an emptiness he wanted to fill from his own childhood in anticipation of his own child's religious education. Adam was going to soon begin the monthly, Sunday morning preschool program at the temple, and Mulder wanted to make sure his own religious education was more complete. He knew he had to call Karen Woods if he wanted to go through with his plans for the Bar Mitzvah. He knew that without her help, he would never be able to reconcile those memories he made himself forget. He wondered if it was worth the pain he was sure remembering the past would cause him. He looked at his son. He picked up the phone and dialed number six on the speed dial. Mulder smiled to himself as he listened to the ringing on the other end. The fact that the doctor's phone number was lowered from number two to number six was a testament to just how much he'd improved. It scared him to think things might change. It scared him to think things might not. "Hello, Karen? It's Fox Mulder. I think I need to talk." ~~~~~ End of Part 1/6 --------------------------------------------- To be removed from the list, send email to [email protected] with one word: LEAVE in the body of the message. From [email protected] Tue Jan 5 15:02:00 1999 Date: 23 Nov 1998 15:28:58 -0800 From: [email protected] Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: New! Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age 2/6 XFCreative Mailing List Posting --------------------------------------------- Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age by Susan Proto ([email protected]) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 2/6 Scully returned home from the bureau later than she'd anticipated and found Adam had already been fed. She walked over to him and planted a nice mushy kiss on his forehead as he laid in Mommy and Daddy's Big Bed and watched the latest Lion King video. She then walked into the dining room to discover her husband had lovingly prepared a full course meal of half a grapefruit, spinach and mushroom salad, (which of course showed how much Mulder _really_ loved Scully, since he didn't even like to touch the fungi, much less eat them,) London Broil, baked potato, and broccoli. To which Scully smiled in appreciation, said, "Thanks, but___," and then promptly ran into the bathroom to puke her guts up. Mulder followed her into the bathroom and called out to her in a worried voice, "Dane? You okay?" "Yeah, Mulder," she called back out, in between retching and gasping, "I'm fine." When he asked if there was anything he could do for her, Scully told Mulder to just give her a few minutes. He shook his head in slight frustration and returned to the kitchen. He began wrapping up the food to put it in the fridge for safe keeping. He hoped Dana would feel better by tomorrow. "Hey, whatcha doin' G-Man?" asked a slightly disheveled looking Scully. Mulder looked up slightly startled and explained what he thought was rather obvious, "I'm putting the food back in the fridge." "Why?" "Why?" he asked incredulously. "Dane, you walked into the house and promptly began upchucking your guts not fifteen minutes ago, that's why. "Well, that was then, and now is now, and now, I'm hungry! Hey, Mulder, I'm working on an empty stomach here, ya know?" she grinned. "Okay, now, how's Adam? I assume his fever didn't spike this afternoon 'cause I didn't hear from you." "No, it didn't spike as high as last night, but it did get up to 102.5. Poor kid is really whipped from this," Mulder said as he unwrapped the food. He then looked directly at Scully and asked, "And what about you? Dane, you threw up twice today, that I know of." Scully blushed slightly at Mulder's last remark as she remembered her first and second visit to the restroom at the bureau this morning. "Oh Mulder, I probably caught a little bit of Adam's bug, but I'll be fine. I had my flu shot this year, so if I do have it, I'm sure it'll be a very mild case. "Now listen here, G-Man. Bring on that food or you're going to see just what kind of a shot I really am!" she teased. "Yes Ma'am!" he replied in kind, "just don't shoot!" ~~~~~ Scully got to read the three different Dr. Seuss books tonight as well as the repeat renditions of Goodnight, Moon. By the time she'd finally settled Adam into his own bed, Mulder had hunkered down in the "Big Bed" and was snoring heavily. Scully giggled as she walked over to give her husband a light kiss on his open mouth. "You're gonna catch flies, Fox Mulder!" She gently pushed up Mulder's chin in an attempt to close his mouth a little, and it had the desired effect. At least temporarily. Scully, however, would not change a thing. She knew if she'd ever mention to Mulder he "sawed wood" with the best of them, he'd be terribly insulted and, to the best of his ability, "deny everything." So, rather than risk any hurt or embarrassed feelings, Scully kept Mulder's nasal symphony her own little secret. Besides, if she mentioned it, there was the possibility he might actually do something about it, and the last thing Scully wanted to do was quell a symphony. ~~~~~ The following day, Mulder asked Scully to do a split shift with him in the baby sitting department. He'd made an appointment with Karen Woods for that afternoon and hadn't wanted to cancel it. He knew he had to find a way to work out his latest, for lack of a better term, 'phobia' if he was to go through with his plans for the Bar Mitzvah. When Scully asked him why, he decided not to lie and admitted he'd made an appointment with Dr. Woods. "Karen Woods?" she echoed. "Yeah, Dane." Scully desperately wanted to know what it was that precipitated his decision to see the therapist, but she also knew she would not ask. They'd made a pact long ago, when Mulder first agreed to go through with the therapy sessions, that what ever he wanted, or more importantly, needed, to discuss with Dr. Woods would remain private until Mulder felt comfortable enough to share it with her. Not that she wasn't proud of Mulder for seeking help when he felt he needed it; it had taken quite a lot for Mulder to learn for himself that admitting he needed help was half the battle. Once he'd realized Karen Woods presented an opportunity to help him heal himself, he was no longer as embarrassed or self- conscious about keeping his appointments. Scully saw he was not going to open up any further about the appointment, so she merely nodded her head, and the subject was dropped. Scully left early that morning in order to get the paper work she'd started yesterday, but hadn't quite finished due to her unexpected bouts of nausea. Upon her arrival at the bureau, she did a quick scan around their office. Scully wanted to see if there were any files or memos that would have caused Mulder to become unduly stressed. He'd been late coming home the other night, and now he had an appointment with Karen Woods. This was a good thing. And, in her heart of hearts, Scully knew this. So why did she feel so worried about this particular appointment? ~~~~~ Mulder knew Scully was concerned. When she'd arrived home a little after one o'clock to take over the afternoon shift for baby sitting, her face showed little expression. Mulder knew that was Scully's way of holding her feelings together. He knew he could have easily allayed her uneasiness by simply telling her why he needed to see Karen, but he wasn't ready. He wasn't sure he could handle going through with the whole Bar Mitzvah ritual. No. He realized he was lying to himself. He wanted to go through the Bar Mitzvah ritual. What he wasn't so sure about was dredging up the memories which apparently were hindering his plans. Mulder remembered there was a time he could read Hebrew fluently. Yes. Fluently. And now he couldn't. And he wasn't sure why. And he didn't know if he was up to finding out. The only thing he knew was he felt a fear he hadn't felt since last Passover. ~~~~~ "Hey, Mulder, long time no see," greeted Dr. Karen Woods lightly. "Hi, Karen," returned Mulder. "Yeah, it's been, what? Six months or so?" "Appears to be. Okay, so what do I owe the honor of your company today?" she asked casually. "Oh, umm, just checking in, that's all." "Right, and Hillary Clinton is going to nominate Bill for husband of the year," she retorted. "Cut the bullshit, Mulder. What's up?" "I__, I wanna know why I can't read Hebrew anymore," he answered tentatively. "Of course you do," Karen said dryly. ''Mulder, would you tell me what the hell this one's all about? Please." "I'm sorry, Karen. I not only expect you to cure me of my mind's ills, I guess I expect you to read it as well." Karen chuckled at the comment and remarked, "Mulder, the day I'm able to read that mind of yours, I'll probably be ready for a custom made straight jacket of my own. Okay, enough procrastinating, Fox Mulder, and spill it. What brings you here?" He sighed, opened his mouth, and then sighed deeply again. "Mulder,'' Dr. Woods said in a warning tone. "Okay, okay. I went to see Gerry Ginsburg about the possibility of getting Bar Mitzvah'd. Only I can't read the Hebrew, and I need to find out why I can't so I can decide if I want to really go through with it." "Mulder, I need a few holes filled in here. First, you were never a Bar Mitzvah?" "No. I stopped going to class right after Sam's abduction," he explained. "Okay, so might that explain why you can't read Hebrew? I mean, you didn't go to school, right?" Dr. Woods asked in a bit of confusion. "No, it doesn't. I was twelve when Sam was taken., so I'd attended Hebrew School for about six years prior that. Karen, I was able to read Hebrew fluently before I stopped going to class. And even if I'd forgotten every last bit because of my lack of schooling, I don't think my lack of education would be the reason behind the full blown anxiety attack I had when I'd attempted to read a few letters." "Describe what happened," she prodded. "I looked at this little worksheet Gerry had pulled out, and I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. I don't know why. I realize there's a reason for my reaction, but I don't know what it is, and I ___." It was at this point Mulder paused. "What, Mulder?" Karen asked gently. "What do you want to accomplish with this session?" "I want to know what happened; what _he_ did to make me afraid to look at a language which represents a part of who I am," he responded softly. "'He' meaning your father?" Mulder nodded in response. "Well, we could try the regression therapy," Dr. Woods suggested. "I don't think so," he began. "But you've been a good candidate for this type of therapy in the past, Mulder, and it would be the most efficient method of finding the cause for your anxiety," Karen interjected. "I know, but I need Scully to be here when I do that, and I'm not quite ready for her to know about this yet," he explained. "Dana is unaware of this latest crisis?" "It's not a crisis. I mean it's not a life or death situation, it's just something that's getting in the way of something I've been thinking about for a long time." "How long, Mulder? How long have you been thinking about being Bar Mitzvah'd?" "Ever since Adam was born, I guess. I knew I wanted him to have a better understanding of the part of him that is Jewish. I don't even know for sure he'll be allowed to become a Bar Mitzvah, since technically he's not Jewish. But me__, I mean, I _am_ Jewish, and I never got the chance ___. I guess you could say I've thinking seriously about it for the last four years or so." "That's a long time to be mulling over something," Karen responded thoughtfully. "I tend to hang onto things for quite a while, Karen." "I've noticed," she chuckled. "I've noticed. Okay, so let's get down to work. Tell me what you remember of your last time in class." Mulder took a deep breath and tried to recall the past. His brow furrowed as he licked his lower lip in a concentrated effort to recollect memories that had stayed hidden for a very long time. "I remember getting ready to go to class and then running to the car." "Running?" "Yeah," he confirmed in a somewhat surprised tone. "I was running." "Were you late for class?" asked the doctor. "Maybe__. I guess__. I don't know." "Who was taking you to school?" she asked, purposely going down a different path. "Mom." "You had no problem remembering that." "No question about it, since Mom always drove me to Hebrew School. Dad didn't play a part in that aspect of my education," Mulder explained in a cool tone. "Okay, so you remember running to the car. Where was your Mom?" Karen probed. "My mom? She __, she was running too." "What was she saying, Fox?" Karen asked, purposely using his given name. Karen Woods had discovered there were times when her purposeful use of Fox 's first name actually acted as a catalyst in retrieving his memories. "She was saying, 'Get in the car. Hurry, Fox. Get into the car.'" "Was she worried about you being late for class?" "I don't think so. I don't know. Damn it, Karen, I don't remember!" he said, more agitated than when he'd begun. "Okay, Mulder, let's take a break." Karen Woods knew it wasn't that Fox Mulder didn't remember; the problem was he didn't want to remember. She knew it would take time to help her patient to retrieve these particular memories. Dr. Woods could only imagine what those memories were, since anything which had to do with his parents usually involved some incident which traumatized the young Fox. "Karen, can we pick this up the next time. I__, I need to think about this some more." "Mulder, may I make a suggestion?" Upon seeing him nod, she continued, "Tell Dana. You know you've always had more success in dealing with these things when Dana was aware of the situation." "Yeah, well I'll take that under advisement, okay? I gotta get going. Adam's been down for the count with the flu, and I think Dane has it too. She's been throwing her guts up morning and night, and I don't want to leave either one of them for too long." "Okay, but I expect to see you by next week, same time. Get it?" she questioned. "Yeah. I'll call you." "Mulder," she cautioned, "don't let this fester inside of you. You know it's something from your past that's going to bug the shit out of you, so you might as well deal with it and move on. Please. Promise me you won't let this eat away at you." ''I'll call you for confirmation soon, Karen." "If you don't call me, I will call you," she said as he began to roll his eyes in disbelief, "and you know damn well I'll follow up on this and call you; at work, at home, on your cell phone, in the john__." "Okay, okay. I promise. I will follow up like a big boy. Happy?" he asked sarcastically. "Oh joy. Can you see how happy I am?" she replied in kind. As she stood to walk him out, Dr. Woods softened her tone and said kindly, "Mulder, you know how this works with you sometimes. You open a window onto these memories of yours, and the whole damned roof caves in on you. If you start having nightmares or more anxiety attacks, you call me. "Anytime, Mulder. Morning, noon, or night. Got that?" she asked. "Got it. And Karen?" She looked at him with eyes that already anticipated what his next words were going to be. "Thanks.'' "Anytime, Mulder," she said as she squeezed his hand. Then, to add just the right note of levity to the moment, she added, "And my bill will be in the mail in about thirty-two seconds, okay?" ~~~~~ Mulder walked into the townhouse and noticed how quiet it was. He called out softly, on the off chance Adam was sleeping. "Dane? Dane, you here?" "Shhhh, Daddy. Mommy's sleeping," called out a small voice. "Adam? Where's Mommy?" Mulder asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice. He knew Scully would never purposely fall asleep if she knew Adam was sick. "In the big bed." Mulder quickly went into the master bedroom and saw Scully curled up on their "big bed." He walked quietly up to her and gently put his hand to her forehead to check for a fever. She, to his relief, felt cool to the touch, but it still didn't explain the unscheduled nap. ~~~~~ Scully felt the gentle hand on her forehead and began to stir in her sleep. She hadn't intended on falling asleep, but her body simply refused to stay awake for a moment longer. She told Adam she was going to shut her eyes for a few minutes and directed him to play quietly on the floor by her bed. She opened her eyes, smiled at Mulder, and then looked at the clock on the night table. "Ohmigod!" she gasped in horror when she noted that rather than a few minutes, almost two hours had passed. "Adam?!" she cried out anxiously. "Adam's fine, Dane, but I'm worried as hell about you. I've never known you to fall asleep in the middle of the day." "I just felt a little sleepy, Mulder. I'm fine. Really," she replied in a slightly irritated tone. She rose from the bed, unfortunately, a bit too quickly. "Oh God!" she cried out as she brought her hand to her mouth. "Dane?!" Scully jumped out of the bed as quickly as she dared and ran into the bathroom. Adam watched his mother as she retched, and he became frightened. "Mommy?" he called out in alarm, "Mommy?!" Adam began to cry when Scully could do nothing more than run by him in order to get to the bathroom in time. Mulder bent down to pick up his son. "It's okay, Adam. Mommy's fine." He repeated the words over and over, like a mantra, in a small attempt to convince not only his small son of their veracity, but himself as well. ~~~~~ End of Part 2/6 Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age by Susan Proto ([email protected]) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 3/6 She felt horrible. Scully figured she'd caught the worst case of flu in the history of the modern era. But when Mulder insisted she go to the doctor's office for a checkup, she argued it was a ridiculous idea. There was absolutely nothing that could be medically done for the flu other than to do one's best to relieve the symptoms. There were no antibiotics or magic pills that would make it go away. Now, if only it were possible to make Mulder go away. He was doing his petulant act, and it was getting on Scully's nerves. She felt like hell, and the last thing she wanted was his hovering. "Mulder, please. Let me just go back to sleep. You watch over Adam, okay? I'm sure I'll feel a hundred per cent better after I've napped," she insisted. "But Scully," he protested. "Oh for crying out loud, Mulder, enough already!" she demanded. "I'm going back to sleep." Mulder left the room and shut the door behind him. He sighed deeply, then went to check up on their son. ~~~~~ Adam was obviously beginning to feel more like himself. He was playing quietly with his small toy action figures. The newest incarnation of Mutant Ninja Turtles graced their carpet, and Adam had them practice every karate kick and chop his four and a half year old mind could come up with. Mulder smiled as he stealthily watched Adam play. Mulder remembered back to his own days of playing with GI Joe (and not the six inch version, either. He had the sixteen inch 'real' GI Joe. Mulder mused over what became of his childhood toys. He wondered if his mother had packed them away for safe keeping, or if she'd given them away to the Salvation Army. He suspected once Sam had been taken, everything which reminded his parents of the times they had with his sister was packed up and taken away. The thought that his childhood was so easily packed up and shipped away made Mulder a little sad. As he watched Adam play, Mulder remembered how he, himself, played quietly on his own while his mother watched. His father rarely watched him, as he was frequently away on business trips. However, Mulder remembered his mother keeping an eye on him as he played. Then his mother gave birth to Samantha, and soon the play included his baby sister. Mulder considered the thought of Adam playing big brother to a younger sibling, and then quickly erased the thought. As much as Mulder wanted to have another child, he knew Scully felt her work at the bureau was also important. He knew Scully loved Adam with all of her heart, but he also realized she loved her work. It wasn't fair to expect her to take another maternity leave of absence from her job. He didn't have the right to expect her to want another child. A brother. A sister. As much as he wanted it for Adam. And for himself too. ~~~~~ Scully woke up and realized her throat was thoroughly parched. She looked at the clock and noted she'd been asleep for about an hour and a half. She climbed out of bed and walked out of the bedroom. As she entered the living room, Scully heard the tail end of a telephone conversation. She wasn't sure with whom Mulder was talking, and she concentrated more in an innocent attempt to find out. Well, perhaps not so innocent. Scully was still a little upset over the fact Mulder was seeing Karen Woods again and had chosen not to discuss the reason why with her. Plus, there was the mysterious appointment from the other night. Scully began to berate herself, because she was well aware of the foolish thoughts which crept into her brain. There was no way. It was absolutely absurd. Scully knew Mulder loved her and Adam more than anything in the world. So what would make Scully even consider the notion her husband was having an affair? He'd ditched her in the past. Why did she feel so suspicious of his propensity to ditch her now? ~~~~~ "Okay. Listen, I don't know if I can make it tomorrow night. It depends how Dana is feeling. "Yeah, she seems to have caught a touch of Adam's flu. "No, I just want to make sure she'll be well enough to care for herself and Adam, that's all. "No, I do want to see you. I do. I just don't know if__." "__MMMM-mmm," Scully cleared her throat, and Mulder quickly looked up at her. All Scully could think of as she observed her husband was he had the wild eyed look of a deer caught in headlights. "Oh, you're up," was all he could manage. "Yes." Scully then looked at Adam, and asked him if he'd like to watch a video in the 'Big Bed.' He asked if he could watch "The Lion King II" yet again, and Scully nodded her head in the affirmative. "Go on," she directed. "You know how to put the tape in." She watched her son scamper off happily to watch his tape, and then looked over at her husband who still held the phone to his ear. Mulder opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. He turned his body slightly, as if seeking some bit of privacy, and said in a lowered voice, "I'll call you back another time. Thanks." He replaced the phone on its cradle while he avoided looking at his wife. Scully felt her heart in her throat. She wondered who the hell that was, and why was Mulder being so damned secretive about it? "Mulder?" "How are you feeling?" he asked in an attempt to avoid the subject of the phone call. "Who were you talking to?" she asked, not buying the deflection for a moment. "Just someone who might have some information; someone who might bring me closer to the truth, that's all." *Me. Not _us_, but _me_. What the hell happened to _us_?* she wondered anxiously to herself. She looked at her husband and then tried to speak in a calm voice, but instead, it came out derisive. "Mulder, why are you being so damned secretive lately?" ''Secretive? I'm not being secretive," he replied defensively. "You are. You didn't tell me where you were going the other night, you're not telling me who you were on the phone with just now, and you've chosen to withhold the reason you're seeing Dr. Woods again," she complained. "What? First of all, I told you about the original appointment regarding some research. This phone call had to do with that research. And my reasons for seeing Dr. Woods are my own. When I'm ready to share them with you, I will," he said angrily. He paused for a moment or two to catch his breath, and then added in a softer, hurt tone, "God, Dane, I'm just not ready to confide in you on this one yet. I don't know enough about it to understand it myself." He looked back at her with wounded eyes. She'd never questioned his judgment in seeking Dr. Woods' counsel, and it hurt him to think she was questioning it now. "Mulder, I need to know where you were the other night. And who was just on the phone with you? I don't understand what's going on all of sudden, and I have to know," Scully explained in an equally distressed tone. Mulder looked at his wife with an incredulous expression. It slowly dawned on him she was telling him she didn't trust him. He didn't know whether he felt more angry or more hurt. He decided it didn't really matter which. All he knew was he had the potential to say something he would definitely regret later. Mulder did not want to lash out in anger and say something that could upset her like she'd just done to him. So, he mutely stalked over and opened the front door, walked through it, and closed it firmly behind him. ~~~~~ "Mom? Mom, are you home?" she cried into the phone as she prayed the answering machine was nothing more than a screening device. "Mom, if you're home, please, pick up. Please__." "__Dana? Sweetheart, what's wrong?" asked Maggie Skinner. "Why are you so upset?" "Where were you?" Dana asked as in her best, turbulent, two year old, tone of voice. "Dana, if you must know, I was in the bathroom. Now, for crying out loud, what is wrong?" "What? The bathroom? You were in the bathroom? Oh God, Mom, what the hell is wrong with me? What did I do?" Scully began to cry quietly into the phone. "Dana, where is Adam?" asked Maggie. "He's okay, Mom. He's watching a video in the bedroom." "Where's Fox?" Silence greeted Maggie's question for several moments, until Maggie repeated it. "Dana, where is Fox?" "I don't know," was the replied whisper. "I think I chased him away." "Sweetheart, I don't understand." "Neither do I," Scully replied. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never not trusted him before. I may have been pissed off with him for ditching me, but it was always because I was afraid he'd get hurt. It was never a matter of trust." "And you don't trust him now?" Maggie probed. "No. Yes. Oh, God, Mom, I don't know! That's the problem. I don't know, and I pretty much told him that, and he walked out. He was so angry. And hurt. Oh God, I hurt him so much." "Dana, do you want Walter and me to come over?" She didn't hesitate for a moment. "Yes." ~~~~~ Mulder walked. And walked. And walked. He'd almost gotten into his car, but he realized he was too upset to focus on driving safely, so he walked. He'd changed into casual clothes while Dana was napping, and it gnawed at him that he'd walked out on her when he knew she wasn't feeling well. But he didn't have a choice. At least he didn't feel as though he'd had a choice, so when the frustration built up too much inside of him, he took off in a sprint. When he wore himself down for the umpteenth time, Mulder simply walked some more. And he thought. Mulder knew the easiest way of solving this problem was simply to tell Dana about seeing Rabbi Ginsburg and the reason behind the visit, which in turn necessitated his appointments for counseling with Dr. Woods. So why did that seemingly simple solution seem so impossible to carry out? She didn't trust him. In the past Mulder may have given Dana countless reasons to worry about him, fear for him, and have cause to be angry with him. But he'd never done anything to make her doubt his love for her; his commitment to her and their marriage. But now, for some reason, she didn't trust him. And as much as he loved Dana, with all of his heart, he also hated her for not believing in that love. He took off on yet another sprint. ~~~~~ Dana answered the door and found her mother and step father standing before her. Her face obviously expressed the same frantic emotions she felt, because both Walter and Maggie asked simultaniously, "Dana, what's wrong?" As she moved aside to allow them entry, Dana said tremulously, "Well, I think I accused my husband of having an affair. Not in those words, of course, but I suppose that was the intent." "Dana," asked Walter, "do you know for a fact he's having an affair?" "No. Not at all. In fact I doubt very highly he is, but I accused him all the same. My God, what's wrong with me?" "All right," interjected Maggie, "let's start from the beginning. Please, sweetheart, we need you to explain to us what's going on, so we can help you figure out what to do next." Dana indicated they should all sit down, and after she'd checked on Adam to make sure he was still occupied watching videos, she sat down on and joined them. Dana started from the beginning and explained how Adam had been sick and she'd stayed home to nurse him back to health. She expressed her concern when Mulder had called with some lame excuse about having an appointment regarding some research. She continued sharing her worries and doubts about the entire situation, including the fact she, herself, felt lousy physically having probably caught Adam's flu bug. Dana brought her mother and step father up to date on the events which occurred earlier in the evening which led Mulder to leave in anger. "I don't know what possessed me to speak to him like that. He's never, ever given me any reason to believe he could__ that he would ___." Dana stopped short. The whole idea of Mulder cheating on her was so aberrant to his nature, she couldn't voice it again. "Dana, I don't believe it's in Fox's nature to ever cheat on you," confirmed Maggie as she voiced Dana's thoughts. "No, I don't think it is either, Mom. It's just that he's been so secretive and I've felt so lousy __. I don't know, maybe the combination of the two drove me to conclusions I would never in a million years have considered before. "But right now," Dana continued in a worried tone, "I wish I knew where he was. He left over an hour and a half ago. He was so upset. I hope he hasn't gotten into an accident." "We saw both of your cars parked in their spaces. Wherever he is, he's on foot," remarked Walter. "I don't know if that's good or bad," Dana replied. "Trouble has a way of finding my husband no matter what mode of transportation he takes. Walking included," she sighed. "How about I go out for a stroll and see if I can catch up with him?" Walter asked. "That's a fine idea," agreed Maggie. "I don't know if he'd appreciate that," she began. "Dana, it doesn't matter if he's angry that we're checking up on him. The important thing is to make sure he's okay. We'll deal with the anger afterwards,'' said Walter. When he saw Dana's eyes, wet with unshed tears, recognize the truth in his words, Walter leaned over to kiss his step daughter on the forehead. "I'll find him, Dana. Everything will be fine." He then kissed his wife on the cheek and left to search for his seemingly lost son-in-law. ~~~~~ He was stooped over on the sidewalk and breathing extremely hard, when Skinner finally found him. Walter saw the sweat practically dripping off of Mulder's back, and since Mulder wore no overcoat, Skinner wondered if he was looking at the next candidate for pneumonia. Skinner cleared his throat noisily in an attempt not to startle his stepson in law too much. Apparently Mulder was aware of his father-in-law's arrival because, without looking up, he rasped quietly, "I'm okay." "Fox," Walter began. "No," he cut him off all the while attempting to take in deeper and deeper breaths without too much success. "I said, I'm okay __," he insisted though unconvincingly. "I'm not ready to _ , talk about _, this." "Well, then you just listen," Skinner began with increasing concern for the man before him. He noted the difficulty Mulder was having in catching his breath, but continued to plead Dana's case anyway. "Dana is worried sick about you. She knows she was wrong. She couldn't believe the things she said to you, and she feels very guilty about it. Fox, you can't let her go on feeling guilty for her mistake." "I never planned-_, on making her _, feel guilty_, for a mistake _. I've made a _, mistake too _ . Oh God __, and she's __, been so __, tired and __, sick. I__, I should have_, told her," he admitted in between small gasps. "Told her? What should you have told her?" Walter asked concerned. "I_, I should have _, told her where_ ,I went _, that night _. Why I needed _, to see Karen _. Especially _, since she's _, sick. I __, should have __," he began to confess, when he suddenly coughed and continued to cough until Skinner got worried. Each cough brought about an air born swirl of foggy condensation. The temperature had dropped and Mulder was standing outside, dripping with sweat, and coughing his ass off. "Don't worry about Dana; she's fine, but are you okay?" He began trying to strike the younger man on the back in attempt to help him, but it wasn't helping. If anything it was only exasperating the problem. "I_, can't _, catch _, my _, breath _," Mulder gasped between coughs. Skinner didn't hesitate. He pulled out his cell phone and immediately dialed 911. He helped Mulder sit down on the street curb before he lost consciousness and fell down. "An ambulance is on its way, Fox. Hang in there," Skinner consoled. He noted Mulder was no longer coughing as much, but his ability to breathe was definitely impaired. "I _, don't _, know _, why _," he gasped in soft, breathy tones. "Fox, don't talk. Save your breath." "So _, long _, since _," Mulder wheezed. "Little _, boy __." Skinner sat next to Mulder and wrapped his arm around his son in law's shoulder in a small attempt to offer reassurance. "Hang in there, Fox. You're going to be fine." "Oh _, God _. Please _, I_, can't _, breathe __." He looked up at his father in law with a feeling of helplessness he hadn't felt since he was a child. "Help __, me __, Dad __." "The ambulance is coming. Listen, I can hear the sirens," Skinner replied hopefully. Moments later, the sirens were evident to both men, and Skinner felt himself relax a bit, while Mulder's body continued to spasm in agonizing gasps and wheezes. As soon as the paramedics hooked their radio up to base, they were able to relay the symptoms and history to the doctor on call at the hospital. The doctors directed them to administer the necessary dosage of the bronchodilator and transport a/s/a/p . Skinner called Dana's house from his cell phone to let her know to meet them at Georgetown University Medical Center. Dana didn't even ask what was wrong; she simply said, "We're on our way," and hung up. ~~~~~ "Where is he?" Scully asked as she rushed into the emergency room holding Adam in her arms. Maggie Skinner followed quickly by her side. "He's still in the examining room. He'd settled down in the ambulance after the paramedic administered the medication, and seemed to be more comfortable by the time we arrived here," Skinner informed. "Walter," Maggie interjected, "what happened?" "I found him bent over trying to catch his breath. He'd obviously been running, since he'd worked up a helluva sweat. We were talking a bit, but I'd noticed he was having some trouble breathing, and then he started coughing and that was it. He began wheezing something awful, and he started to panic. "Actually, I think if the ambulance had taken any longer to arrive, I'd have gone into a full blown panic attack myself," Skinner admitted. "Gam-Pa?" Though Adam had actually overcome his difficulties in pronouncing the wretched /r/ sound, he stuck to the affectionate nicknames of 'Gam-pa' and 'Gam-ma' for Walter and Maggie. He asked in his sweet, a small voice. "Is my Daddy very sick again?" "No, Adam. Daddy's going to be fine. We'll see him as soon as the doctors finish examining him, okay?" Walter consoled. Adam nodded thoughtfully and clung more to his mother. He'd heard those words before when it came to his father. Even at the tender age of four and a half, Adam knew his father visited the hospital more than most daddies. Scully finally had to put the child down and instructed him to chose a toy from their emergency bag and play quietly. Suddenly, Scully started laughing unexpectedly. "Dana? Sweetheart, what's so funny?" asked Maggie. When Dana continued to laugh to the point where she was obviously losing control of herself, Maggie asked anxiously, "Dana, what's wrong?" "I actually have an 'emergency' toy bag ready at all times. Isn't that the sickest thing you've ever heard of?" she asked as the laughter turned to sobs. "Oh, Dana," Maggie sighed and pulled her into her arms to comfort. "He's fine. He had an asthma attack, honey. He's going to be just fine." "Mrs. Mulder?" a new voice called out. "She's right here," Walter pointed out. He watched as Scully attempted to regain her composure by straightening up and smoothing out her slacks. "How is my husband?" "He's on oxygen for now, and as much as I'd like to admit him for overnight observation, he seems pretty insistent about going home. He says you're an MD?" asked the doctor. "Yes. What happened?" asked Scully succinctly as she transformed into doctor mode. "He had an asthma attack," replied the doctor in kind. "But he doesn't have asthma, Doctor," interjected Skinner. "He'd probably have been disqualified for field service if he did." "Field service?" echoed the doctor in a slightly confused manner. "FBI field agent." "Oh. Well, apparently Agent Mulder had had asthma as a small child. He'd outgrown it, as is often the case in childhood asthma, however the right conditions can trigger an attack in just about anyone. "He was doing some strenuous exercise in some rather cold temperatures. That alone can trigger an attack. However, Agent Mulder also let it be known he's under the care of a psychologist; a Dr. Woods, I believe?" When Scully nodded her head in the affirmative, the doctor continued, "Well, add to the mix any kind of elevated stress levels and his history of asthma, and you have the makin's of a first class episode." "Doctor," asked Maggie, "is this permanent?" "I doubt it. I suspect all of the conditions were coincidentally in place for an isolated incident. Obviously, I would continue to monitor him for the next few days to be sure. I might even recommend he carry around an inhaler for a little while, though personally, I don't believe he'll have cause to use it." The doctor had made sure to direct this last bit of information directly to Skinner, in an attempt to reassure him that Mulder's field agent status should not be affected by this incident. "May I see him?" asked Scully. The doctor nodded and led her to his room. ~~~~~ He was sitting upright with the small oxygen tube inserted into his nostrils. He still looked a little pasty, but not as badly as Scully had anticipated. When he looked at her, all she saw was fatigue and sadness. "Mulder _," she began. "_I just want to go home now, Dane. I'm sorry. Please, don't make me stay overnight," he pleaded in a soft, tired voice. "Of course you're coming home with me. There's nothing they can do for you here that I can't do for you at home," Scully reassured, and in fact, she breathed a sigh of relief that he _wanted_ to come home. A couple of hours ago she'd have had her doubts. "Thank you." "Mulder, you don't have to thank me to come home. Look, I need to say something to you." "Not now. Let's go home," he urged. "No. Now. While I'm still brave enough to admit this out loud," she began. Mulder looked slightly quizzical at her last remark, but he remained silent so she could continue. "Mulder," she stalled, "Mulder, I'm sorry for behaving like a jealous, untrusting, shrew. I feel like shit. I'm bloated, I'm nauseous, I'm exhausted, and totally on edge. Now, I know none of those things can really excuse my behavior, but I hope it helps to explain it. I'm just not feeling myself, Mulder, and I'm sorry for taking it out on you. Really. I am so sorry." "It's okay, Dane. I should have told you what was going on. I felt so badly running off on you like that when I knew you weren't feeling a hundred percent. I should've __." Mulder paused and then looked up at Scully with wide eyes. "What?" she asked. "Holy shit! Dane, you're pregnant!" he practically shouted with glee. "What? Mulder, don't be ridiculous! I have the flu. I'm a doctor, for crying out loud, don't you think I'd know if I was pregnant or not?" "Obviously, not this time," Mulder replied with a small smirk. "Mulder, don't start with me," she began. "Let's just get you home." "Take a blood test." "What?" "Dane, humor me. Take a blood test, and then we'll know for sure." Dana stood there and simply rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll take the damned blood test, but then we get the hell out of here. Mom and Walter are waiting outside with Adam, and it's late." Mulder nodded totally, and they both called in for the doctor. "Hey, Doc," said Mulder as the ER doctor walked back into his room, "I gotta big favor to ask of you. ~~~~~ The doctor had suggested a urine analysis might be less invasive, but since it would still be relatively early in the pregnancy and the Mulders wanted to be a hundred per cent sure, they'd opted for the blood test. Mulder had laughed silently to himself as he'd watched his brave, doctor wife turn slightly green as the needle punctured her arm to draw the blood. He couldn't have helped but think the next time she tried to cajole him into taking a shot by saying 'there's nothing to be afraid of,' he was going to throw this little incident back up in her beautiful, freckled face. The two of them were waiting in his room for about twenty-five minutes when the doctor returned. "Well, I'd better give you a prescription for an inhaler, Mr. Mulder," announced the doctor with a slight glint in his eyes. "What? I thought you said this was an isolated incident," asked an anxious Scully. "Well, it was, but it looks like Mr. Mulder's stress levels will be going up. Maybe I should prescribe one for you, Mrs. Mulder?" the doctor said with a slight chuckle. "Ohmigod! She is, isn't she?" exclaimed Mulder. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Mulder. You're going to become parents again." "I'm pregnant?" Scully asked incredulously. "How could I not know I was pregnant?" "C'mon, Mrs. Mulder, or rather, _Dr. _ Mulder, you know we doctors are notoriously the worst patients. We couldn't self diagnose ourselves if our lives depended upon it. And thank heavens it usually doesn't!" "Well, Dad, looks like you've knocked me up again!" Scully teased. "Oh, aren't you the romantic one," Mulder chuckled, "like you didn't have anything to do with this!" "All right. Let's get this show on the road, because now that we know why I've been acting like a raving lunatic, when we get home, it's going to be your turn," proclaimed Scully. "To explain why I'm a raving lunatic?" he asked innocently. "Mulder, no one will ever be able to explain that, least of all you. No, my sweets, all I'm looking for is an explanation of the secretive behavior of late, that's all." "That's all? Easy for you to say, Scully." "I know, and I promise to try and make it easy for you too. I love you G-Man; you gotta know that." "Aw, Scully, with all my heart. Yeah, we need to talk. Or I guess, I need to talk. I've been needing to talk to you for a long time." As they gathered Mulder's clothes for him to get dressed for the ride home, Scully thought about how she was going to break the news about the new baby to her son, mom, and step-father. It was still way too early for an announcement; she didn't even want to mention it to her mom and step-father at this point. She and Mulder had already survived one miscarriage, and it was hard enough for them to deal with it. She wouldn't be able bear explaining it to others, should it happen again. Mulder thought about how he was going to explain his decision to study for his long, overdue Bar Mitzvah, and more importantly, what it was that was preventing him from going through with it. Now that was the sixty four dollar question, wasn't it? ~~~~~ Part 4/6 Once they'd settled Adam into his bed, and Scully had put up a pot of herbal tea to brew, they sat down on the couch and simply held one another. They sat like that for what seemed like a long time, though in reality it was only as long as it took for the pot of tea to steep thoroughly. Scully pressed her lips on Mulder's forehead and stood up. She poured two cups of tea, returned, and set them on the coffee table. She sat back down, looked at Mulder carefully, and said, "Speak." "You know, I really would prefer a cup of coffee," he procrastinated. "I don't think so, G-Man, not as long you're walking around with an inhaler in your pocket. Caffeine is the last thing you need right now. So, speak." "I assume you're telling me it's my turn to spill my guts, right Scully?" "Right," she replied, smiling at her husband's use of her maiden name. It never ceased to amaze her how he used her name as a security blanket. It was as if 'Scully' could protect him from himself better than 'Dana' or rather, 'Dane' could. Perhaps he was right. 'Scully' went through a helluva lot more crises with Mulder than 'Dane' did, though 'Dane' was catching up a whole lot faster than either liked. "Speak." "Okay, okay. I_, I'm not _, I mean _," he sputtered. "Damn it, Scully, I don't know where to begin." "The beginning would be nice." When he continued to stare at her mutely, she suggested, "How about telling me where you went a couple of nights ago? With whom did you have the appointment, Mulder?" "Gerry," he blurted out. "Gerry," she echoed without recognition. Then, suddenly, the light bulb turned on, and she repeated, "Gerry? Rabbi Gerry?" Mulder nodded in affirmation and felt his face begin to turn beet red. Scully noticed his discomfort, and for the life of her she couldn't understand why __, unless it was __. Scully shuddered at the thoughts rampaging through her mind at that moment. Could Mulder have sought out Rabbi Ginsburg for some kind of confession? Is that why he seems so uncomfortable? "Mulder, I don't understand," she said softly. "What was your reason for seeking out Rabbi Gerry?" "I went there because _." He stopped. The more he thought about the whole situation, the more embarrassed he felt. He wondered what ever possessed him to even consider going through with it. It was absurd; a thirty-eight year old man thinking about being Bar Mitzvah'd. It was ridiculous, and it was about time he admitted it to himself. "No reason, Scully. Or at least whatever the reason was doesn't exist any longer. Dane, I'm so sorry I worried you. I did my typical 'look before you leap' move and didn't think of the consequences. Well, I promise, I'll be much more careful. I swear, Dane." "Oh, Mulder," she began. Mulder looked at her with an expression that begged for understanding, but Dana was not about to cave in quite so easily. "Cut the bullshit." Mulder's face fell to the ground. He looked so forlorn, Dana almost started laughing out loud, but she knew if she was going to get to the bottom of this, she had to maintain her self-control. "Now, tell me what it was that no longer exists," she gently demanded. She knew she had to pursue this with vigilance, but she didn't want to antagonize him either. Scully worked hard to keep her tone of voice firm, but encouraging at the same time. Of course, since all she wanted to do at this point was throttle her husband for scaring her half to death, her self-imposed restraint posed quite a challenge for her. He returned the intensity of her stare. He realized he was going to have to come clean. His Scully would settle for nothing less than the absolute truth, and he realized she deserved nothing less. He took a deep breath and began his explanation. ~~~~~ "But why would you hyperventilate at simply looking at the Hebrew letters?" she asked. "I mean, obviously the Hebrew was a trigger for something. Why hadn't you hyperventilated when we had that case in New York City. When you'd found that Jewish prayer book," Scully asked. "The sepher yetzirah?" he responded. She nodded, so he posed his theory. "I don't think I had an anxiety attack back then, because I hadn't give myself the chance to have one. I never really attempted to read it; I'd simply told the Rabbi in New York I couldn't. I guess I'd had a feeling I wouldn't be able to, but I didn't know why then and I don't know why now." "So you went to Karen. Did she offer any explanations?" Scully asked. "No. She did suggest the regression therapy, but I'd turned her down." "Why, Mulder? Why turn her down if it could give us a clue as to what was going on?" "That was the problem: us." When Scully looked at him puzzled, he continued. "I'd have wanted you there while I went through it, and I just wasn't ready to share this whole crazy idea with you yet," he admitted. "It was such a stupid idea, Scully. I mean why would I even consider subjecting myself to this?" "Because," Scully began thoughtfully, "it's something that might bring you closer to your beliefs. It might also give you an opportunity to reconcile your anxieties regarding your faith and, maybe, how you remember your family; how you remember parents and Samantha." "I don't know," he replied in kind. "I don't know if I could ever fully come to terms with my family. My faith? I have you. That's all the faith I need, I think." "No." "No?" he echoed in puzzlement. "No, you need more. Mulder, think about it. Your last couple of emotional crises all revolved around some aspect of your religion. At Passover, you lost it, and prior to that, when Adam was missing, you talked about how Nana helped you. Nana played an important part in your acquisition of your faith," Scully pointed out. "Yeah, but then she died, Scully, and life went on." "True, and in fact, it was apparently your mother who somehow managed to keep your religious education going. I remember you told me once, either right before or right after we got married; I can't remember which, it was she who pulled you out of the Hebrew classes. "But from what you're telling me you remember now, I guess your mom was the one who kept you going to class until your father decided no more. Considering how your father had reacted to religious traditions of any kind, the fact that you even attended Hebrew school after your Nana's death was a miracle," reminded Scully. "I guess, but what difference does it make now? Scully, my mother and I barely talk now. I mean, the only thing that connects us is Adam. So, what difference should it make to me now if she was the one who drove me to Hebrew School?" "Maybe she played a bigger role in your life than you're able to remember," she postulated. "I mean, it seems to me your mom was taking a helluva chance in getting you to Hebrew Class when your dad was probably hell bent against it. Right?" Scully asked. When Mulder looked at her, Scully felt his confusion. She realized he honestly didn't remember how his mother fit into his life's equation; past or present. "Mulder," she said cautiously, "Maybe it makes a difference because your religion is something that's been important to you for many, many years, without you realizing it. The recent past, I think, only proves to me it's been a hole in your life that you've wanted __, no, needed to fill in," Scully concluded. "I guess. But what do I do about it?" Mulder admitted in whispered tones. "Call her." "What?" Mulder looked at the woman before him with unbelieving eyes. "Call her, Mulder. You don't have a choice anymore. She's the only one who can provide you with answers." "God, Scully, I don't know. It's way too late to call now anyway, so let me think, okay?" He paused for a moment and then added with more honesty than even he'd imagined possible, "I don't know what answers she could give me, Scully. Hell, I'm not even sure of the questions." ~~~~~ He woke up early the next day, and before he had time to have a debate with himself, he picked up the phone and dialed the rarely called number. "You have reached the number, 203-869-1013. Please leave a clear message at the sound of the beep, with your name, phone number, and reason for calling. I will get back to you as soon as I am able." BEEP "Hi, Mom. It's your son, Fox. Umm, I need to talk to about something. It's about __, umm, well, just call me back when you get a chance, please? You know the number." "Why didn't you tell her what it was about?" asked Scully. "I almost did, but then I realized she'd probably never return the call if she knew I wanted information about my past. Mom's not exactly the most forthcoming when it comes to particular details about my childhood," he reminded. "True," she agreed, and then quietly asked, "Do you think she'll call back?" "I don't know." ~~~~~ The morning passed and day turned into evening, and then evening into night. Then, the next day came and went, and neither Scully nor Mulder spoke anything more about the Bar Mitzvah, or the fact Elizabeth Mulder had yet shown the common courtesy to return his call. So it was with a rather puzzled expression when they heard the doorbell ring. "Expecting anyone?" asked Dana. "Nope," he responded as he walked to the door. He looked through the peephole and let out a mild expletive, loud enough for Dana to hear from the other room. "Mulder? What's wrong?" she asked. He turned to her and uttered with total surprise in his voice, "I don't believe it. She's here." "Don't believe what and who's here?" "My mother." "What?" Dana practically squeaked. "Yeah, my sentiments exactly." He stood there rather dumbfounded until he heard the doorbell ring again. "Oh shit!" he exclaimed when he realized he'd left his mother standing outside of their townhouse. He opened the door and saw his mother standing there with a somewhat exasperated expression. "For heaven's sake, Fox. Are you going to keep me standing out in the cold all day, or you going to invite me in?" He sputtered an invitation inside and moved out of the way to allow her to pass. "No suitcase?" he asked. "No, I checked into the Hilton, dear. I didn't think there'd be enough room for you to accommodate me comfortably. Now, where is my grandson?" she asked and didn't notice Mulder's shoulders slump a little at the slight dig she made at their living quarters. He looked around and realized with all of Adam's toys and the fact there were only two bedrooms, they probably couldn't have put his mother up in the comfort she'd grown accustomed to. He saw Dana come out with Adam and hoped she hadn't heard his mother's disparaging remarks about their home. Of course it did give Mulder some pause to realize with another baby on the way, they would probably have to think about a larger home. He sighed, shook himself back to the present, and called out to his son, "Hey Adam! Look who came for a visit?!" "Grandma Bette!" he called out. "Hi, Grandma Bette. Wow, I didn't know you were coming for a visit!" "Well," she began, "I received a message from your daddy that said he needed to talk to me about something. So, I figured what better way to talk than to come and do it in person, and this way I could see my handsome grandson!" Adam ran over to his grandmother and wrapped his arms around her legs. She knelt down somewhat in order to return the favor, and squeezed him close to her. Mulder watched the scene and, as much as he didn't want to, felt a twinge of jealousy. He so wanted to experience that same, unconditional love from his mother, but he also knew that would probably never happen. Mulder was simply grateful she bestowed it upon Adam. His incredibly sensitive, intuitive wife walked over to his side and reached around his waist and pulled him toward her. She knew, instinctively just what he'd been thinking and what he needed. They watched, together, the scene as it played out before them. As they expected, Adam became fidgety very quickly. He soon wriggled out of his grandmother's arms and asked her if she would like to watch the Simba movie with him in the 'Big Bed.' "Not now, dear, and besides, why aren't you dressed and playing outside? It's a beautiful day out." She'd directed the latter half of her remarks to both Scully and Mulder. They both wondered if she even heard the accusing tone she'd assumed. "Mom," Mulder began, "Adam's just getting over a nasty flu bug. He's only just to act like himself again." "Yeah, Grandma Bette," Adam chirped in, "and Mommy's been sick too, and Daddy was in the hospital the other night too, and __." "__ Hospital?" interrupted Bette Mulder. "It was nothing, Mom. I went running in the cold and had a mild asthma attack. I wasn't dressed properly, that's all," he explained. "Asthma? You haven't had an asthma attack since you were twelve," she sighed. "Yeah, well, the doctor said it wasn't anything to be concerned about," he responded quickly. "So, Mom, what brings you all the way to DC?" "Oh, Fox, don't panic. I don't plan on staying more than a day or two, so you needn't worry about having to put up with me any longer than that. Now," she began, not to be sidetracked, "what's this about an asthma attack." "It was a combination of fatigue, too much exercise, and the cold weather, Mom. I'm fine," he said in a monotone with his eyes looking down toward the floor. Suddenly he looked up, and stared straight into her eyes. "Mom? Why did you come here?" She returned the stare, and then hesitated slightly before she spoke. "I'm not sure. It just felt like the right thing to do, Fox. I honestly don't know what possessed me to come this time," she said, and then she shook her head back and forth slightly and muttered, "I just don't know," over and over again. "Well Mrs. Mulder," Scully cut in, "we're very glad to have you here. Please, sit down, and I'll make some tea." "I would prefer coffee, if you have, Dana." Scully looked quickly over at her husband and hesitated for a moment. It had been a couple of days, and Mulder hadn't needed to use the inhaler, so she surmised it was probably safe for him to have a cup. As if reading her mind, Mulder said, "I'm okay, Dane. I won't have more than one cup, okay?" Scully smiled at how well her husband knew her. She then practically ran to the kitchen to make the coffee and left poor Mulder stranded like a lost kitten. She knew this was going to be difficult for him, but Dana also hoped Mulder would take the opportunity to really talk to his mother. ~~~~~ They sipped their coffee silently. The conversation was nonexistent between mother and son. The last serious conversation the two had had was right after Mulder had become engaged to Dana, and he'd decided to share the good news with his mother in person. It was also the anniversary of his sister's disappearance, and neither he nor his mother were very good company that night. She had told him, in effect, it was supposed to have been him that was taken and she had been preparing herself for that event for many, many years. She'd told him she'd basically detached herself from him and had never truly loved him to avoid the complications of such emotions. And it had caused one more part of him to die another slow death. Because no matter what, he'd always loved her. ~~~~~ "Why did I stop going to Hebrew School? Why didn't I have a Bar Mitzvah?" he suddenly asked to break the silence. "Oh." She'd visibly gulped some air, and now slowly expelled it in order to answer him. "You just stopped. I don't remember exactly what happened." "What happened?" he repeated. "What happened to stop me from going?" "I didn't say anything happened, Fox." "Yes, Mom, you did. You said you didn't remember what had happened, which conversely means something had to have happened for you not to remember." "Oh, Fox. Don't. Please." "Mom, for once, can't you be straight with me. Please?" he pleaded. "You don't remember anything?" she asked cautiously. "No. I don't remember anything," Mulder replied with annoyance. "If I did, I wouldn't have needed you to fill in the gaps." Elizabeth looked into her cup of coffee as if the answers to all of life's questions were going to magically appear in the middle of it. "Dana, would you by any chance have anything a little stronger than cream that could go into this coffee?" "I have some Amaretto," she replied. "That will do, my dear. Thank you." Scully went to get the rectangular bottle and passed it to her mother-in-law. She nodded her thanks again, opened the bottle, and poured herself a healthy portion. She took a long smooth gulp of the coffee, and then a couple of smaller sips. Elizabeth Mulder savored the taste of the liquor for an extra moment and then began her narrative. "It was much harder after your Nana died, Fox. She was a very strong woman. A great deal stronger than her daughter ever was," Elizabeth began. She paused as she collected her thoughts to remember the past. "She made me promise to see to it you and Samantha continued to learn about Jewish traditions and attend Religious school. She knew I would never be able to celebrate the holidays as we celebrated them at her house; she knew your father would never, ever tolerate that. But she made me promise to, at the very least, send you to Religious instruction, so you would have some idea about your identity. "Your father hated the idea, of course, but I'd promised Nana. I may have been weak when it came to a good many things, Fox, but when it came to my promises to Nana, I always kept them." She paused again to let her words sink in, and as she waited she saw the emotions Fox wore on his sleeve so plainly appear once again. As if she read his mind, "Fox, I always keep the promises I've made." "Always?" he asked incredulously. "What about me, Mom?" "Fox, I can't break any promises I've never made,'' she replied in a clipped tone. She watched his face evolve through a half dozen reactions and emotions, until Elizabeth finally saw the one she knew would be last. Defeated. "No, Mom. I guess you never did," he admitted tonelessly. "I don't understand you," murmured Scully. "I really don't understand either of you." Both mother and son gazed back at the younger woman with little affect. "Elizabeth, you have just admitted, perhaps not in so many words, but you've basically said you've never made a parental commitment to your son. "And you,'' she sighed, as she looked at her husband, "you sit there and accept it as if it's the most normal thing in the world. "Why is that?" she questioned. "Why are you both so willing to accept what should be so obviously unacceptable?" She paused for a moment, and then allowed a small smile to form on her lips. "Do you realize the only truly normal one I've met in this family is Nana, but unfortunately, she's dead," Scully concluded dryly. The trio remained silent for a few minutes when Elizabeth looked curiously at her son. "You never told her?" she asked calmly. Mulder stared back at his mother while Scully looked on at both of them with a puzzled expression. "Never told me what," Scully asked. "I don't think we need to bring this up now, Mom." "You never told her. Why?" Elizabeth asked tonelessly. "What did you want me to tell her, Mom?" Mulder asked angrily. "That you'd planned to never love me? That a choice had been made long before Sam's abduction, and it was supposed to be me that was taken? That you purposely never allowed yourself to love me so _you_ wouldn't be hurt when I was taken? That you and my father were devastated Sam was taken instead of me? Or perhaps, you were more devastated at the thought _I_ was simply the child left behind? "Sometimes I think you would have been happier if we'd _both_ been taken instead of just Samantha," he concluded. "I suspect you're right, Fox," his mother agreed. "What are you two talking about?" Scully asked in exasperation. "Elizabeth, how could you not love your son? How could a mother not love her child?" Scully's eyes filled with tears at this point as she unconsciously began to gently rub her stomach in a circular motion. ''When you are informed, from the time your child is born, that your child is going to be taken from you at some point in his young life, you do whatever you need to do to survive it and deal with it," Elizabeth said evenly. "No." Scully responded firmly. "You don't know __," Elizabeth began. "__ No," Scully interrupted. "No, no, no! When you are informed, from the time your child is born, that your child is to be taken from you at some point in his young life, you do NOT accept it as fact. You fight it. You do what ever you need to do to thwart it." "I never said I was a strong woman," Elizabeth countered. "My mother _, Nana, now, she was a strong woman. She stood up to Bill. Oh she told him to keep his God damned hands off of her 'Foxila'. Her shayner boychikel." Mulder's eyes startled as he heard his mother's voice repeat the endearments his grandmother used to say so frequently to him when she was alive. He never recalled hearing anything so sentimental coming out of his mother's mouth, and it surprised him to hear her utter those phrases. "Mom," Mulder choked out, "how did you get Dad to let us go to Hebrew school?" "In the beginning, your father never 'let' you go to Hebrew school. I simply didn't tell him. I just signed you up and then later on, Samantha, and took you both. Once your father did find out, he was madder than all get out, but I told him you'd both been going for quite some time and there was no point in not letting you finish it. "He then told me there was no way we were going to go through the expense of Bar Mitzvahs for you and Sam, so if I wanted to waste my money sending you just for the sake of going to school then he didn't give a damn," Elizabeth explained. "Why would he let you waste your money. Wasn't it his money too?" asked Scully curiously. "No, actually it wasn't. It was the inheritance Nana left me. It wasn't all that much, but her will stated its purpose was to provide a Jewish education for her grandchildren. I had to carry out her wishes. "She was my mother," Elizabeth whispered reverently. ~~~~~ Several minutes of silence passed when Mulder revealed, "I remember running to the car. I remember you calling to me and telling me to run and get into the car." He looked up at his mother and added, "He got angry about something, didn't he. What got him angry, Mom?" She looked at her son rather forlornly, as she really didn't want to dredge this particular memory back up. She also knew, however, there was a reason she'd flown to DC to see her son, and Elizabeth figured this must have been the reason. "He was so angry the consortium had changed the plan; he was so angry they'd found you unfit for the program and had decided to take Sam instead. He wanted to do anything and everything to punish someone, anyone. So, your father forbade you to continue Hebrew school once Sam was taken. "He ranted and raved about what kind of God would allow his precious daughter to be taken; a daughter who was taught to believe in God, yet was taken from her home just the same. He was so angry," she repeated. "But you ignored his demand. You took me to school anyway," Mulder conjectured. "Yes, I took you anyway, after you'd returned from the hospital. You were hospitalized for quite a few days after Sam was taken, Fox. I didn't know if you would have been able to return to any kind of school, but once you came home you seemed okay. "So I brought you back to school. And the first couple of times there was no problem, since your father was away on business. I thanked God for taking him away on business. "But then he returned and surmised where I was taking you on Sunday afternoon, and he became furious. He'd been drinking, of course, and it had never taken much to make him fly off the handle," she remembered with disdain. "So he figured it out and told me not to go," he stated flatly. "Jeez, what the hell is the big deal then that would make me go into an apoplectic fit when I try to read Hebrew. I don't understand this," Mulder moaned in frustration. "He didn't simply tell you not to go, Fox. Your father never chose to do things in a simple way, or have you forgotten how he preferred to deal with you," Elizabeth reminded. Mulder's eyes darkened as he absorbed his mother's words. "No, Mom. I didn't forget how he dealt with me." He took a deep breath, and added, "I didn't forget how you dealt with the aftermath of his dealings with me either." ''You think it was easy for me to listen to it?" she retorted. "It was a helluva a lot easier for you to listen to it then for me to receive it!" Mulder shouted back. "Stop it!" yelled Scully. "Stop it, please." She looked from her husband to her mother in law and pleaded with them to calm down. "All of the accusations and excuses aren't going to change what's happened," she rationalized. "Mulder, you had a reason to call your mother. You had a specific reason for wanting to learn about one part of your past. Focus on that for now, okay?" He nodded his head and looked again at Elizabeth. "Something happened the last time I went to Hebrew school, didn't it," he asked rhetorically. Elizabeth sighed deeply. She took one more swig of the alcohol laced coffee and spoke. "He was drunk, which of course was nothing new, but he was really drunk that day. He'd been away for the last few days and had only arrived very late the night before. He'd been drunk when he'd entered the house, and simply kept up the pace all night long. "When he'd figured out where we were going that morning he went into a rage. He started screaming and throwing things about how he wasn't going to spend anymore God damned money on a religion that left no good sons but took beautiful, sweet daughters from their fathers. "He started to go after you, so I told you to run to the car. I'll never forget the look on your father's face when I told you to run from him. I believe it's the first time I ever openly defied him, and he was furious. I'm not sure who he wanted to beat to a pulp more, you or me. "We got to the car and I took off so fast the tires squealed. Do you remember calling me Mario Andretti? We were both so scared yet so relieved at the same time. Oh Fox, we were both breathing so hard, yet we were laughing too. Don't you remember?" "Yeah. Yeah, I do remember. I was so amazed to hear you laugh. Do you know how long it had been since I'd heard you laugh, Mom? Not since before Sam was taken. It was over two months after Sam was abducted, and you're right. We were both so scared shitless he was going to catch up to us, yet, we were laughing. We were actually enjoying getting away from the bastard. "Yes. It felt good to laugh again, even if it was at his expense," agreed Elizabeth. She smiled slightly at the memory, and then her expression turned dark again. "What Mom? What happened next?" Mulder asked tentatively. "Next? What do you think, Fox?" she asked through clenched teeth. "Oh, God," he gasped. ~~~~~ End of Part 4/6 --------------------------------------------- To be removed from the list, send email to [email protected] with one word: LEAVE in the body of the message. From [email protected] Tue Jan 5 15:02:22 1999 Date: 23 Nov 1998 15:43:13 -0800 From: [email protected] Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: New! Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age 5/6 XFCreative Mailing List Posting --------------------------------------------- Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age by Susan Proto ([email protected]) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 5/6 Scully heard it first. Next, Elizabeth's eyes went wide with concern. "Where is it?" Scully asked anxiously. "Mulder, where did you put it?" Mulder sat there with his eyes darting frantically back and forth between his wife and his mother. The wheezes became louder while his breathing became more and more labored. The breaths he was taking were growing less and less efficient. It was now impossible for him to speak. "Mulder, where's the inhaler? Point!" He finally pointed in the direction of the bedroom, and Scully rushed in to locate it. Moments later she reappeared in the living room with the inhaler in her hand. She sat down next to Mulder and assisted in administering the appropriate dose. As they all sat, each holding their own breaths, they waited for the bronchialdialator to take effect. Scully sat next to him and rubbed her hand on his back in soothing, circular motions. She tried to be patient, but it seemed to be taking way too long for him to begin breathing normally again. "Mulder, I don't think this is doing the trick. I think we need to go back to the hospital," she said grimly, for she knew full well what his response would be. Mulder began to shake his head back and forth vigorously in response. His eyes practically screamed out, 'NO!' "All right, Mulder, but you've got to concentrate on taking deep, even breaths. Now c'mon, or neither of us will have a choice." He closed his eyes in a more concentrated effort to control his breathing. The last thing Mulder wanted to do was return to the hospital. He felt his mother's eyes directly on him, and he wasn't sure if he found that more consoling or disquieting. Several minutes passed until Mulder felt he was back in control of his breathing. He kept his eyes closed and continued to focus on the deep breathing exercises he remembered doing as a child. Some things are not forgotten; they're simply stored away for safe keeping. "I remember the last time you did that," Elizabeth said softly. When Fox opened his eyes to gaze directly at her, she continued. "You were getting ready to leave for Oxford. Do you remember?" He shook his head slowly. "You were all arms and legs; I suppose gangly was the best description. You were tall. You were a young man. But you looked so scared as you got into the cab. I remember watching you begin to breath faster and faster, and I imagined you were going to have an asthma attack right then and there. "But then__, then you climbed into the back of the cab. You sat down in the back seat, and you began doing the very same deep breathing exercises you're doing now. "I guess some things never change, do they," she murmured. "He came after us, didn't he?" he rasped out. "What?" Elizabeth asked, as she wasn't prepared for the sudden change of subject. "He came after us, didn't he?" Mulder repeated softly, but in a more normal voice. "Yes." "Oh, God. Oh, God. I can't do this, Scully. I can't. I don't want to remember. Oh, God, Mom, I don't want to remember this," he moaned. Scully listened to his breathing, and when she heard him begin to hyperventilate again, she asked him if he needed to go to the hospital. "No _, no hospital," he insisted, "I'll be okay." "What if I called Karen?" she asked as means to a compromise. "Who?" asked Elizabeth. "Mulder's therapist," Scully explained. "May I at least call Karen Woods?" Mulder looked at his wife and knew she was right. He wasn't going to able to get through this latest memory without help. He nodded his acquiescence and she quickly picked up the phone and dialed the speed number. Thankfully, it wasn't used often at all anymore, but Scully was grateful it was there for emergencies. And since Mulder hadn't even put up a fight over calling Dr. Woods, Scully knew this was an emergency waiting to happen. He sat quietly and listened to his wife speak softly into the phone. Elizabeth, on the other hand, stood up and began to pace back and forth. The memories were no easier for her to deal with then they were for her son; she simply managed her physical responses better than he did. Scully hung up the phone and said, "Karen will be here within forty-five minutes. She suggested we take a bit of a break until she arrives. Elizabeth? Why don't you go in and visit with Adam. I'm sure he'd love for you to visit with him for a little bit." "Yes," Elizabeth agreed, "yes, I think that's a fine idea." She took a deep breath and nodded toward Scully and then Mulder. "Please call me when your doctor arrives." "Of course, Elizabeth. Go relax for a little bit." Scully's medical knowledge kicked in when she observed how pale Elizabeth had become. Scully soon realized this was going to be difficult for the elder Mulder as well, and she wasn't sure how much either of them would be able to take. ~~~~~ Scully had encouraged Mulder to take one of his infamous twenty minute catnaps, which he did with little argument. While he slept, Scully peaked in on her son and mother-in-law. "Grandma Bette? How come you don't lives in Georgetown with Mommy and Daddy and me?" asked the small boy curiously. "Because my home is in Greenwich, Connecticut, Sweetheart. Your Grandma Maggie doesn't live in Georgetown, now does she?" Elizabeth rationalized. "No, Gam-ma and Gam-pa lives in 'Merry-land.' But they don't lives so far away like you do. I see them lots of time, and I only see you a little time." "I know, Adam. I wish I could be closer too, but for now it's best if I live in Greenwich. Your daddy and mommy have your Grandma Maggie and Grandpa Walter nearby to help you all out. I would probably just get in the way," she explained mournfully. Scully wondered if she'd ever heard as much emotion creep out of Elizabeth Mulder's voice as she'd heard just then. Scully couldn't recall ever having heard her mother-in-law make such an admittance. It actually tore at her heart a little to think of her mother-in-law actually showing some regret for a situation no one seemed to have much control over. The next thing Scully observed was Adam, her beautiful baby boy, reach over to his grandmother and wrap both of his arms around her neck. He then rested his head on her shoulder and whispered, "I love you, Grandma Bette. You're not in a way." Scully smiled to herself and wondered how the hell she was so lucky to have created such an incredible little boy. ~~~~~ True to her word, Dr. Karen Woods arrived forty-five minutes later. Mulder had woken from his nap about five minutes before and was in the bathroom washing the sleep off of his face. Scully briefed Karen on what little she understood to be happening, when Elizabeth returned to the living room. Scully introduced the two women to one another and then offered to make a fresh pot of coffee, but both women declined. Scully knew Mulder certainly didn't need any more coffee, so she decided to forgo the hot drinks for now and settle for some juice. All of a sudden she felt a little whipped and felt a swig of some orange juice might help. She prepared a tray with a pitcher full and glasses. By the time she'd reentered the living room, Mulder had returned as well. He nodded toward Karen and sat down heavily on the couch. Karen stood off to the side and watched the dynamics of the Mulder family at work. It fascinated her. It was almost as if they were performing a ballet which had the dancers moving too and fro. She noticed Mulder alternately lean toward his mother every time she leaned back. When ever Elizabeth Mulder tried to make some kind of physical or emotional contact, she saw Mulder physically lean back and/or look away. And then Dana Scully-Mulder entered the picture and the dynamics turned completely around. Mulder kept leaning in toward his wife, no matter whether Dana moved toward him or away from him. He absolutely craved her presence and he did everything imaginable to attain it. The only predictable movement in the Mulder dynamic was when young Adam entered the room with a request for a glass of juice. All of the adults automatically gravitated toward the child, and happily, the child demonstrated only ease and comfort with the attention. After Scully set Adam up with some juice and instructed him to play quietly in his room with his toys, she returned and sat down next to her husband. Scully looked from Mulder to their son's bedroom and then back to Mulder. "I'm almost tempted to call Richard and Leslie to pick up Adam," Scully said. "I don't know if he should be around while we go through this." "You can't. Adam's been sick and can't be around Jason," Mulder reminded her. "Oh, of course," Scully said. "Why can't Adam be around Jason?" asked Elizabeth. "Mom, I know I'd mentioned Jason's leukemia to you. You don't remember?" Mulder inquired with some annoyance. "I suppose not. It's not as easy for me to remember things now, Fox. Forgive me for growing older," Elizabeth admonished. "I think I'll call my mom," Scully interjected quickly. "Perhaps she's available to pick up Adam." Scully got up and made the phone call, but walked back to her seat on the couch dejected. "No one's home, so I left a message." Karen nodded and tired to reassure her. "Dana, we'll try to keep everything under control, but Adam has seen his father in emotional states before. He'll be fine. You'll see." Scully nodded slightly in acknowledgment, though not necessarily in agreement. Mulder simply stared ahead for the moment, while Elizabeth had difficulty looking at anyone in the room. "Okay, let's get started," instructed Dr. Woods. "Why am I here, Mulder?" He looked up at his therapist and shook his head a bit. "I'm not sure. All I know is my mother told me we were running from my father, because he was upset I was still going to Hebrew class after Sam had been abducted. She insinuated he followed us in our car, and that's all." "That's all," Karen echoed. "You've related what your mother has told you, but can you recall what happened that day?" "I don't know." Mulder's arms were crossed in front of him as if he were playing the role of the petulant child. "Why did you have an asthma attack if you don't know," Karen asked. Mulder looked up at Karen and wondered the same thing. He did not honestly think he could remember the details of that day, but he did have an ominous feeling he would. He felt a heaviness permeate his body at the thought of it. "I remember the feeling of helplessness, Karen. I just don't remember the actual events of that day," he admitted quietly. "Should he go under the regressive therapy?" asked Scully. "I'm here now, and can be of support." "I don't think Mulder needs to be hypnotized this time," she began and then stared directly at Mulder and added, "Do you Mulder?" He hesitated for a moment before he said, "I don't know. I don't think I want to remember what happened, Karen." Mulder then turned to his mother and said in a quiet but accusing voice, "You remember, but you wouldn't tell me. You never would tell me the truth, damn it. Why?" "For God's sake, Fox. Don't you think there's a good reason why you're telling the doctor you don't want to remember what happened that day? Have you ever considered the notion I might actually want to protect you?" "Protect me? When the hell did you ever want to protect me?" he cried out in anguish. "Damn it, Mom! You were the one who told me you wanted me to be taken. You were the one who told me you chose not to love me to protect yourself! Yourself, Mom; never me! "You never protected me when he took me to those butchers to experiment on me! You never even protected Sam! You never protected either of us; you let them do those horrible things to us, Mom. You let them. "And now you're telling me you've kept secrets because you wanted to protect me? Bullshit, Mom. That has got to be the biggest load of bullshit I've heard in a long time," he declared angrily. "Fine," she replied tonelessly. "No," interjected Karen Woods. "No, I don't think it's fine. Do you, Mrs. Mulder? Do you really think it's fine?" Elizabeth looked at the therapist with some surprise. She hadn't expected any of the questions to be directed directly toward her, as this was supposed to be her son's session. "Well, no, of course I don't really believe it's fine." "What do you really want to say to him?" Karen asked. "Honestly?" When Karen nodded, Elizabeth took a deep breath. She could not remember the last time someone had asked her to say what was truthfully on her mind. "I would really like to say to him to stop acting like a child, give up what happened in the past because what 's done is done, and move on with your life already." "You think Fox is acting like a child when he tries to find out what happened to him in the past?" Karen probed. "Well, yes," she replied tentatively at first, but then gained more confidence and stated, "He can't change the past, it obviously upsets him, so why bother going through all of this? How can it possibly help him?" She turned to Mulder and said, "Fox, you are married and have a beautiful child. It's time to think of them. Don't keep tormenting us with events from the past." "Us?" Mulder echoed angrily. "You don't really mean 'us', do you, Mom? You mean yourself. You want me stop tormenting you with my search for the truth to my past." Scully sat as still as a stone, as she was unsure just how much input she should offer. She felt herself biting her tongue, for she felt she had a good deal to say, but then thought better of it. Scully decided to sit back, observe quietly, and allow Dr. Woods take the lead. Elizabeth, on the other hand, returned her son's piercing stare with one of her own, and stood up. She began pacing again, alternately looking directly at Mulder, and then looking away. Several moments passed before she spoke. Finally, she stopped directly in front of her son, took a deep breath, and stated through clenched teeth, "Yes, damn it. I want you to stop tormenting me. You act as if the past was only your cross to bear. Well, my darling son, it was no bed of roses for me either. It wasn't even one for your father, if you want to be truly honest about it. But your self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and self-seeking outlook on life apparently has limited your ability to see or feel for anyone beyond your own egomaniacal viewpoint." She took a deep breath before she repeated, "So, the answer to your question, in case you chose not to hear me the first time, is yes. I want you to stop tormenting me." Scully looked at the woman awestruck. She wasn't sure if she felt more admiration for Elizabeth in her ability to cut straight to the heart of the matter to tell Mulder exactly what was on her mind, or if she wanted to kill the woman for seemingly suffering from exactly the same self-centered malady she'd just accused her son of possessing. Karen Woods, meanwhile, had scribbled some notes. She quietly reviewed them, all the while glancing at her patient to make sure he was handling the tirade sufficiently. She expected to hear Mulder explode at his mother's accusations, but all she witnessed was a concession of defeat. Karen watched Fox Mulder literally deflate before her very eyes. The woman still had that much power over him. "It appears self-centeredness runs in the family, Mrs. Mulder," Karen said with an even, non-judgmental tone. Dr. Woods witnessed a second Mulder sigh heavily in defeat. "I don't mean to be. I think it's a matter of survival," Elizabeth admitted quietly. "And you don't think Fox has a right to survive?" Karen asked quietly. "Of course he has a right to survive," she responded, and then hesitated before she added, "but does it have to be at my expense?" Scully could no longer sit silently and turned to her mother-in-law and said quietly, "You're his mother, Elizabeth. Think. Would you expect me to do no less for Adam?" When Scully put it in that perspective, Elizabeth could not help but shake her head in despair. "I gave up so much of myself. I gave up so much to them. They took my children from me. They took my life from me. "But he was my husband. He was a good man, once. I loved him, once. I had to believe he was basically a good man or why would I have loved him. He thought he was doing the right thing. He'd convinced me we were doing the right thing. But after they took Samantha, he was so angry. He felt duped, betrayed, and he took it out on you. "He'd even begun to take it out on me when he was drunk enough," she added as an aside. "Ohmigod," Mulder whispered. "He hurt you too." Just then, the doorbell rang. Scully stood up to answer the door and found her mother and Walter Skinner standing in front of her. "Hi Mom, Walter," she said as she leaned over to kiss them both in greeting. "How's he doing?" asked Walter. "He's about the same since I'd called and filled you in on the voice mail. Karen seemed to think everything would be fine, but I'm glad you're here all the same." Both mother and step-father nodded in quiet acknowledgment and entered the living room, while Scully went to get Adam ready to leave. "We've just come to pick up Adam. We don't mean to disturb you," said Maggie earnestly. "Mom, Walter, it's okay. You're welcomed to stay," Mulder said. "No, Mulder. We'll just collect Adam, and let you get on with your business," replied a slightly uncomfortable Walter. When Scully returned, however, it was without Adam. "He fell asleep. He felt a little warm. I hope he hasn't relapsed with the flu," she said. "I'm so sorry to have made you come out here for nothing." "Oh, sweetheart, don't be sorry. I hope he's okay. Call me if you need me to stay with him, okay? We'll be going," Maggie said. "Please, stay," Mulder called out. "Fox, do you really think it's wise to have all of us here?" Maggie asked. "If Adam's not feeling well, I would really like someone here to help take care of him so Scully can stay out here with me. Besides, she's been a little under the weather herself of late," Mulder explained. Scully shot a glare at him, because she did not want him announcing the news of her pregnancy now, under these conditions. He looked at her and his eyes told her he understood and he wasn't about to say another thing. "Mom, Walter, please sit. Mulder's right, you should stay," Scully said. "Elizabeth, do you have any objections to our staying?" Maggie asked. The elder Mulder smiled at Maggie Skinner's thoughtfulness. "I have no problem with you or Walter staying, but I honestly don't know if you'll be terribly comfortable with what's going to be discussed." Karen Woods cleared her throat and invited the Skinners to take a seat. She, herself, wasn't sure if she'd have asked them to stay, but this was Fox Mulder's party, and he could invite anyone he wanted. "Elizabeth, you were about to share with us what happened. Fox had said he hurt you too? When did this happen?" Karen asked in an attempt to get the session back on track. Elizabeth nodded silently, and then said, "He'd followed us to the Temple. You and I were laughing so much in the car with relief that we'd gotten away, we hadn't noticed he'd gotten into his own car and followed us. "I parked the car and walked you into the building. We went into the sanctuary, because Rabbi Feldman had instructed you to join him there for that class so he could show you where your torah portion was in the actual torah." Mulder nodded his head tentatively as he began to remember the events of that day. "You'd asked me if I wanted to see it too, and I said 'yes,' so I followed you into the sanctuary. Ironic. On any other day, I would have simply dropped you off in the front of the building and drove off. I'd have escaped the whole ordeal and perhaps none of it would have happened. But you wanted me to see it so badly, and I could feel Nana's presence urging me to do this for you. So, I'd said, 'yes.'" Karen remained silent. She knew Mulder's memories of that day were becoming clearer and clearer. The doctor knew she had to let her patient go at his own pace in responding to Elizabeth's narrative. "When we walked in," Mulder began softly, almost fearfully, "I saw Rabbi Feldman up on the bema." "Bema?" echoed Maggie automatically. "It's like an altar," Skinner whispered to his wife. "What happened next, Mulder?" prodded Karen. Mulder's eidetic memory began to kick in and he went on to recount the event. "I remember saying good morning and pointing out that Mom was with me. I asked him if it was okay for Mom to see the torah too, and he said it would be all right. "The rabbi motioned for us to both come up to the bema, where he'd already placed a torah. He'd been scrolling it to the proper section, and when he'd arrived at my portion, he pointed it out. I hadn't learned to chant it yet, but I was able to read it a little bit for my Mom. "I remember being so excited about reading it straight from the torah. The rabbi had told the class it was really hard to do, 'cause there weren't any vowel notations, so the fact that I was able to read it was really exciting to me. I remember I kept looking over at Mom to see if she was proud of me. "I think you were, Mom," he said as he finally made eye-contact with Elizabeth. "I think you were actually proud of me, weren't you?" Dana sat with her heart in her mouth and tried to will Elizabeth Mulder to say the right thing. She silently pleaded with the woman to simply say the 'right' thing. "Yes, Fox. I was proud of you," Elizabeth replied. There was an audible sigh of relief from all of the adults seated in the room, as if none of them were sure Elizabeth would say the proper thing. "What happened next, Mulder," Karen asked gently, for she knew the warm fuzzy feeling Mulder was now feeling would soon be replaced by angry, frightened emotions. Everyone saw it. The almost gleeful expression Mulder wore upon hearing his mother's admission of pride in him turned dramatically dark. Even his eyes turned a shade darker as the effort to recall those past events became even more taxing on him physically. "What happened next," Karen prodded. "He came in." After some moments of silence, Karen gently repeated her question, "What happened next?" Mulder pallor then turned a sickly alabaster, and his eyes begin to roll to the back of his head. Scully quickly pushed his head down between his knees in an effort to revive him quickly. When she eventually heard him moaning, she cautioned him to rise slowly. Several more minutes passed before Mulder was able to speak. Karen waited until his color appeared more normal, and then encouraged him to recount what had happened. "He came directly toward us," Mulder began in a whisper. "I remember looking at him, and thinking how ugly he looked. He had the ugliest, angriest expression on his face. I'd seen that expression before, right before he'd __, he' punish me. "He came forward and when he finally reached the bema, he grabbed my arm and pulled, hard. He wrenched my shoulder out of the socket, which of course was something he'd done before. I remember thinking he was going to dislocate my arm before he even grabbed me, but knowing it was going to happen didn't stop it from hurting any less. I couldn't move at this point, it had hurt so badly. "But then, instead of just continuing to beat me to a pulp, he grabbed you," he remembered as he looked at Elizabeth for confirmation. Upon seeing his mother give an almost imperceptible nod, he continued. "He started slapping you, and then hitting you, harder and harder." Mulder took a deep breath before he could continue. "Rabbi Feldman began shouting for him to stop, but he didn't listen. The bastard just kept hitting you, and then he began punching you. Oh God, Mom," Mulder winced at the memories. "Rabbi Feldman finally moved toward Dad and tried to pull him off of you, but that just pissed Dad off more. Dad shoved Rabbi Feldman so hard into the podium, he knocked it over. "Even though the rabbi was a small man, he fell with a really loud thud. I remember thinking to myself how the word 'thud' was so appropriate for that sound, because it truly did sound just like it. "I tried to reach out to the Rabbi, but my shoulder had hurt so much, I could barely move without screaming out in pain. So, once again I sat nearby, helpless, and not be able to help people in need. I couldn't believe how loud the noise was when the podium fell. Oh __! "__Oh __, shit!" Mulder cried out. "Shit! It was the one with the torah on it. The torah ripped when it fell from the podium. Oh God, that sonofabitch not only hurt you and the Rabbi, but he defaced a two hundred year old torah!" "He hurt you too, Mulder," Karen reminded. "But he'd hurt the Rabbi. He was an innocent victim, and he desecrated the torah. And I don't remember him ever beating Mom up before in front of me," Mulder countered. "And he hurt you again, Mulder," Karen reminded yet again. "But he always hurt me, Karen." "So, that means you should sweep this incident under the rug?" Karen queried. "It was more evil to beat up the Rabbi and Mom, and to destroy the torah," Mulder replied. "Your pain doesn't count," Karen probed. "No. Yes. I mean, yes, it counts, but it wasn't unusual for him to beat up on me. I was used to it, you know?" "So, you're saying since it was commonplace for your father to physically beat you, less weight should be put on that incident than on the abuse your mother and the rabbi received, in addition to the desecration of the torah." Mulder looked at his therapist while he tried hard to absorb her words. After a few seconds, he looked at her and stated, "I am nuts, aren't I?" "There are times, Mulder, when your ideas are certainly unique," Karen said tongue in cheek. She then turned to the elder Mulder and said, "Mrs. Mulder, do you now see why it's important for Fox to delve into the past? "Whatever was done to him during his childhood has had a direct effect on his ability to function in the present. He'll continue to have difficulty dealing with the present if he can't reconcile what had happened to him in the past." "It's painful to be constantly reminded of all my failures, Dr. Woods," Elizabeth said. "Yes, I'm sure it is. It would probably be helpful for you to find someone to talk to about it. I'd be more than happy to check with my colleagues and help you find a counselor in Greenwich," Karen suggested. "A counselor? Me? I don't need a psychiatrist, my dear woman. I'm not crazy," admonished Elizabeth. "It must be genetic," muttered Scully under her breath. "What, Dane?" asked Mulder. Scully smiled when she heard him use his endearment, Dane, because she knew it meant he was more at ease with the situation. She was sure Mulder's feelings weren't totally resolved, but at least he now had an inkling to his past which could account for his initial inability to read the Hebrew. "Okay, folks," Karen Woods said, as if reading Scully's mind. "I think we can call it a day. Mulder, we're not nearly finished with this yet, you do know that, don't you?" "Aw, Karen, you just want to redecorate your family room with the fees you get from my sessions, that's all," Mulder replied lightly. "Kitchen, Mulder. We're going for the kitchen remodeling this year. Last year was the family room," Karen replied in jest. "Seriously, Mulder, you ain't cured yet, and I expect to see you in the office one day this week. How about __," she paused as she pulled out her appointment book, "Thursday? Twelve-fifteen?" "Fine, Karen. Make me spend my lunch hour pouring my guts out to you," he replied. "It's my lunch hour too, Mulder, so you'll get no sympathy from me," she retorted with a smile. Mulder chuckled and began to stand up when he suddenly felt his knees buckle from under him. "Whoa, G-Man," Scully called out as she attempted to support him. Walter was up as quick as a flash as well, and moved to the opposite side of Scully in order to prevent Mulder from falling. "I guess that took a little more out of me than I expected," admitted Mulder. "C'mon, Mulder. Let's get you to bed so you can lay down for a little while before dinner, okay? Walter, help me please?" Scully asked. "Go on, Dana. I can manage my son-in-law." Walter's strong arms wrapped around Mulder's shoulder's and waist as he helped the younger man into the bedroom. "You going to be all right? Skinner asked as he pulled Mulder's sneakers off. "Yeah, I think so," Mulder replied. "You want to sleep in the jeans, or do you want them off?" Mulder considered his response and realized Walter Skinner had seen him in much more compromising positions before. "Off, I think," he replied. Mulder unbuckled his jeans and began to shimmy out of them when Walter went to the end of the bed and pulled Mulder's slacks at his ankles. The jeans were off in moments and Mulder was able to get comfortable wearing just his cotton boxers. "Stay for awhile?" Mulder asked groggily. "If you want," Skinner replied as he pulled the comforter over Mulder's body. "Yeah, Dane might need you,'' he replied cryptically with a yawn. He was asleep almost instantly. ~~~~~ End of Part 5/6 --------------------------------------------- To be removed from the list, send email to [email protected] with one word: LEAVE in the body of the message. From [email protected] Tue Jan 5 15:03:04 1999 Date: 23 Nov 1998 15:54:41 -0800 From: [email protected] Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: New! Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age 6/6 XFCreative Mailing List Posting --------------------------------------------- Life Cycles XIV: Coming of Age by Susan Proto ([email protected]) Disclaimers in Part 1 Part 6/6 Mulder and Dana had traded places. Now he was in the bathroom throwing his guts up, while she was pacing outside the bathroom. Well, perhaps pacing wasn't the most accurate word. Plodding. Lumbering. Waddling. Dana Scully-Mulder, who was due to give birth to their second child in less then two weeks, waited anxiously while her husband knelt hunched over a toilet bowl. He was frightened to death at the prospect of 'becoming a man.' As Dana paced and waddled, she recounted in her mind all it had taken for her husband to get to this point in his life. For the last seven months he'd attended first weekly, and then monthly, therapy sessions with Dr. Woods. He'd struggled to overcome his ambivalent feelings toward his Elizabeth, whom he discovered was just as much a victim as he was of William Mulder's physical and emotional abuse. Once he'd reconciled himself to the notion his mother was not totally in control of her own life, much less his, he'd found it easier to forgive, (if not totally accept nor understand,) her methods of dealing with the stress of life in the Mulder household. She recalled the weekly 'Trope' sessions with Rabbi Gerry, and having listened first to Mulder's frustrated ranting at not being able to do what had once come so easily. Dana then smiled to herself as she remembered the night her husband had come home practically dancing in the doorway. The light bulb had finally turned on. Somehow, somewhere, they'd found the key, and the memory had returned. Mulder was finally able read the Hebrew with ease. Next, however, had come the chanting. Frustration had abounded and nerves had become frayed once again. Dana had feared the man she'd married was literally going to come apart at the seams, if he didn't overcome his fear of singing the torah portions. He'd felt stupid, he'd felt overwhelmed, he'd felt embarrassed, he'd felt foolish. He'd felt like he wanted to quit. He didn't quit, but he had needed to release the tension he'd felt in some manner. And he had. Mulder had taken it out on Dana, which was the last thing a husband should do to his pregnant wife who was also in the middle of searching for a larger home for their growing family to move into. But he had. And Dana, as compassionate and as understanding as she was, had grown increasingly more annoyed at the way Mulder was treating her. She'd felt as if she'd become his whipping boy, and she'd grown tired of it quickly. She'd done the only thing she could think of to get his attention. She packed a suitcase for herself and Adam, left a note for Mulder so he'd know where to find her when he'd come to his senses, and went to stay with Maggie and Walter. Scully wasn't absolutely sure what Mulder's reaction had been when he'd arrived home to the empty townhouse, but she had an inkling. She'd come to find out later her neighbor, Mrs. Ingstrom, had heard so much noise coming out of the townhouse across the way, she'd nearly called the police. Finally, things had settled down, and she'd observed Mr. Mulder carrying a large trash bag, as well as a broken lamp, to the Townhouse refuse area. Apparently, Scully had gained her husband's attention. Things had changed after that, and Scully had moved back home the next day. In fact, it was that day the two of them had discovered their new house. It was the Monday of President's Day weekend, and both Scully and Mulder had taken it as a personal day to be home with Adam. They'd been checking the real estate section, as had become their habit, when something had caught Mulder's eye. "Dane?" he'd called out to her. "Come check this out, and tell me if this isn't Kismet or something." She'd read the ad placed for the house in an area not too far from where they currently lived, which was perfect, since both husband and wife really did love the area they'd been living in for the last few years. "Call the Realtor, now!" she'd insisted. "Tell them not to show it to anyone else!" "Dane, they're not going to listen to me," he'd replied with a hint of exasperation. He'd couldn't help but wonder if all pregnant women expected the world to do their bidding, or was it just his pregnant wife. Mulder had, wisely, kept this thought to himself as he'd picked up the phone to call. They had gone to see the house (which, miraculously, the Realtor hadn't shown to anyone else that holiday afternoon,) and had totally and completely fell in love with it. It had three bedrooms, though not huge, certainly larger than what they were living in now. It had a beautiful, sunny eat-in kitchen which looked out onto a small, enclosed backyard. There was also a small, but very functional, formal dining room area. The family room was to the right side of the staircase and a formal living area was to the left. There was even a small, finished room in the basement which Mulder had immediately adopted as his own. Of course, the creme de la creme had been the laundry area on the main floor. No more schlepping loads of laundry up and down two flights of stairs. Dana and Mulder had known this was their home the moment they saw it. Now, all they had to do was buy it. It had taken some haggling, but they did it. They'd bought their dream house at a price that was pretty close to what they could comfortably afford (especially if Mulder raided the money his father had left him,) and they were scheduled to close around Dana's due date. It hadn't been their ideal date, but they weren't given much of a choice. The current owner's new home wouldn't be ready until then, so the Mulder's hands were pretty much tied. But that worry had to wait until two weeks from now. Today's worry was getting Mulder out of the bathroom so he'd be able get to the Temple on time. Scully had arranged for her mom and Walter to pick the three of them up, since she'd had a feeling Mulder might not be in any condition to drive. Scully smiled to herself. Could she call 'em, or what? Mulder finally emerged from the bathroom in his tee shirt and boxers. They were scheduled to leave in the next twenty minutes and he hadn't even put on his shirt or slacks. Of course, judging from Mulder's pallor, it was probably a very good thing he hadn't. "Hey G-Man, you gonna be okay?" Dana asked gently. Mulder shook his head at first. He looked at her and felt as though the tears which had welled up in his eyes were going to start falling any minute, and he wouldn't be able to stop. Mulder could not remember the last time he was this nervous about something. "Dane? What the hell have I gotten myself into? I can't do this. I really, really can't go through with this," he muttered over and over again. "Yes, you can, Mulder. You have been working so hard to reach this day. "Fox," she said, using his first name only in situations when she really, really wanted his attention, "you've earned this day. Don't talk yourself out of this. You deserve the joy you're going to feel." "I'm so scared," he whispered. "I know." Scully reached over to draw him into a hug. "You are going to do just fine, but if you don't put some pants on soon, you're going to give the little old ladies in the third row a helluva good show." Mulder looked down at himself and gasped. "Jeez, I didn't realize __, oh God, Dane _, I didn't even realize I wasn't dressed yet! What the hell is wrong with me?" He quickly reached over for the navy blue dress slacks and drew them on. Scully handed him the crisp, white dress shirt and watched as he fumbled with the buttons. "Here, let me do it," she offered as she deftly buttoned each one. Next, she reached over to the dresser bureau and picked up a small box. "Mom wanted you to have these today. They were my father's cufflinks, and she hoped you would wear them today as a way of having him be a part of this day," Scully explained. "Oh, Dane, they're beautiful," he replied as he looked at the gold cufflinks with an engraved anchor in each. "I'd be honored." He watched as his wife put her father's cufflinks in place. "Perfect," she murmured. He readily agreed and placed a tender kiss on top of her head. "Okay, now where's the tie I got you?" "Aw, Dane, that one is nice, but it's so __," he paused for a second, and then warily said, "boring." "Mulder, you're going to your Bar Mitzvah today; you're supposed to be a little bit more conservative." "Conservative does not have to translate to boring," he complained. "Umm, in your case, G-Man, yes, it does. Now where's the tie I bought you?" He pointed to the closet and she asked him to go get it. He walked over somewhat dejectedly and opened the closet door. As he reached in, he noticed something wrapped in tissue paper hanging from the tie rack. "Dane?" he asked with just a hint of anticipation. "Open it up, Spooky," she chuckled. He pulled the package off the rack and ripped off the tissue paper. Mulder was delighted to see a magnificent Escher print tie, with the incredible metamorphosis of fish into seemingly alien type bugs. It was perfect, and anything but boring. "I figured today was your day of change, you deserved a tie fitting for the occasion," Dana offered. "Thank you, Dane. It's wonderful. It's perfect," he said as he tied it. When he finished, Scully looked at him, and of course couldn't resist fiddling with the just tied tie, which, in turn, drove Mulder to distraction. He wondered if all pregnant women felt compelled to treat their husbands as if they were children. Just then the doorbell rang, and they heard Adam rush to the door to answer it. They could hear him call out, "Who's there?" Mulder and Scully realized it was Maggie and Walter, because Adam excitedly opened the door. "Hi Gam-ma! Hi Gam-pa! We're goin' to Temple to have a party for my Daddy!" Adam excitedly announced. "We know, sweetheart!" responded an equally excited Maggie. "We're all so happy for your daddy! Where are Mommy and Daddy, Angel?" "In the bedroom. Daddy was 'frowing' up before, but now he's good," informed Adam. "Throwing up?" repeated Walter. "Walter, it's probably just nerves." "I'm sure you're right, but all the same, I want to see he's all right." At that moment Dana and Mulder walked out into the living room. Both Maggie and Walter were reassured by Mulder's appearance and realized he was just nervous. Mulder did go over to Maggie to thank her for the cuff links. "Mom, they're beautiful. Thank you for giving me the honor of wearing them today," he said. "Oh Fox, thank you for honoring the Captain's memory by wearing them," she said as she reached up to adjust his tie. Mulder rolled his eyes slightly as he concluded it wasn't pregnant women, just Scully women, who enjoyed treating him like he was five years old. He glanced over at his father-in-law and noticed a certain all-knowing twinkle in the older man's eyes. Both men began to chuckle a bit, and when Maggie and Dana both asked what was so funny, the two men simply laughed even harder. Normally Dana would have been annoyed at being kept in the dark, but she was so grateful to see Mulder finally relaxed, she decided not to push it. "Are we ready to go?" asked Dana. "In a minute," answered Walter. He turned to Mulder and said, "I have something I'd like to give you." Mulder looked at him with a puzzled expression and saw his father-in-law pull out a small velvet jewelry box. Skinner handed the younger man the box, and Mulder opened it. Inside was a tie clasp in the shape of a mezuzah, the symbol which held a tiny piece of paper with a reading from the torah. "My parents gave me this tie clasp on the day of my Bar Mitzvah, Fox. I'd very much like to pass it on to you," Walter said with a rush of emotion. Mulder stood speechless. It was one thing to be given William Scully's cufflinks, but this was almost too much. "I don't know what to say," he choked. "Just say you'll wear it," answered Walter. "Of course I'll wear it. I'd be honored to wear it. God __," Mulder rambled as he clumsily worked to put the tie clasp in place. "Here, I'll do it," said Walter as he deftly put the clasp on Mulder's tie. "Interesting tie, Mulder," he muttered with a smile. "It was a gift. Just like this is. Dad, thank you. Thank you so much. I don't know if I could ever explain to you how much this means to me," Mulder began. "I mean, you're giving me a piece of yourself; of your childhood and faith, and it just means so much," Mulder said as he choked back the tears. "You're welcome. I'm glad you see it that way, because that's how it was meant. Fox, no matter what happens today, I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you," Walter said as he reached to shake Mulder's hand. When he clasped it, Walter then pulled his son-in-law into a hug and gave him a respectable slap on the back. "Okay, let's go. We don't want to be late," Maggie said. "We don't?" mumbled Mulder to himself as he put on his suit jacket and walked to the door. ~~~~~ The small sanctuary was packed. Mulder wasn't sure if he was going to faint before or after he stepped up to the bema, but he was certain the lightheadedness he was feeling would translate into his becoming acquainted with the carpeting. He looked straight ahead and saw Rabbi Gerry in his beautiful tallit and skull cap. Mulder, in turn, clutched at the small velvet bag which held his great grandfather's tallit; the same tallit which served as the chuppah for Dana and Mulder's wedding day. Elizabeth arrived earlier and presented Mulder with a newly embroidered yarmulke. He chuckled as he noted the small 'X's' scattered throughout the design. Mulder was touched when his mother admitted to embroidering it herself as a small token for his Bar Mitzvah. He found himself hugging her in thanks, but when it was time to let go, he found himself grasping her even tighter. "Mom?" he blurted out, but he found he couldn't continue. He was afraid he'd receive the wrong answer, and there was one thing he didn't need just before he went up to the bema, it was the wrong answer. "Go, Fox. Go be a Bar Mitzvah," was all she said. ~~~~~ Mulder moved slowly up the steps to the bema. He shook hands with Rabbi Gerry and the Temple President. He sat down in one of the chairs that was set up near the Ark which held the four torahs. Mulder listened with half an ear as Gerry Ginsburg led the congregation in the singing of Mi Chamocha, which echoed the songs Moses and other Israelites sang at the shores of the Red Sea as they were saved from the oppression of the Egyptians. Then, during the second part of the service, Gerry led the congregation in a prayer for peace for not only the Jewish people, but for the entire world. Finally, it was time to open the Ark and take out the torah. Mulder realized his hands were sweating profusely, and he felt his breathing was becoming labored. *Shayner boychik, you seem a little nervous, no?* asked the sweetly accented voice of unconditional love. *Nana?* he thought to himself. *Nana, you're here?* *Oy, Foxila,* she replied with a chuckle, *as if I would be anyplace else on the day mine aynekel became a Bar Mitzvah!* *But, Nana, I'm so scared.* *Nu? So you're scared! But you can do it mine shayner boychikel, you can! You will!* *But what if I can't, Nana? What if I go up there and I can't remember anything? What if I can't remember the chant? What if __?* *Shah, sweet boy. You will be fine. I'm here, and I won't let you fall, I promise. I love you, mine Foxila, as your beautiful Dana loves you, and your Adam, and Maggie and Walter, and __,* *__ Don't say it, Nana. If she can't say it, I don't want to hear it, okay?* *Okay, mine sweet boychik. As long as you know you are loved by so many good and wonderful people. And mine new little beauty will be joining us soon. Oy, I can't wait! Oy, she'll be so beauty-ful! So beauty-ful!* kvelled Nana. *She? Nana, we're having a girl?* he thought excitedly to himself. Scully, ever the pragmatic one, had wanted to know what the baby's gender was, but Fox had wanted it to be a surprise. Yet, now that Nana let the cat out of the bag, he was beside himself! A girl. A daughter! *Oops! I guess I said too much! Forgive me, Foxila. I didn't mean to spoil a surprise!* Nana apologized. *No, Nana, it's okay. A daughter, really?* he asked again. *Yes, sweet boy, a daughter for you and your Dana.* Suddenly, Mulder heard the Rabbi calling his name, and Mulder stood and walked slowly to the podium where the torah laid. When Gerry met Mulder's gaze, Gerry expected to see some trepidation, some fear. Instead he saw a beaming Fox Mulder stand before him who exuded a confidence he'd never quite seen before. If Gerry hadn't known any better, he would have sworn there was some kind of divine intervention. Little did Rabbi Ginsburg know, someone was looking directly over his shoulder, and she had to stand on her tiptoes to do it. ~~~~~ "I have invited 'Shual' Mulder, to join me on the bema today. 'Shual' is the Hebrew word which means Fox, and our 'Shual' has been working very hard to meet the challenge of this day; the day of his Bar Mitzvah. "Now, at Fox's request, we have gone back in time and Fox has learned the torah portion and haftarah that would have been his to do on his original Bar Mitzvah date of October 19, 1974, in the month of Heshvan, the year 5735. "They are the same texts Fox had begun studying over twenty-five years ago, but due to unforeseen circumstances, he had to wait till today to be called to the torah. Fox will begin chanting the story of Noah and the Ark. He will be reading from "Noach, Genesis 6:9 through 11:32." Rabbi Ginsburg nodded toward his pupil and Fox stood in front of the opened scroll. He began chanting softly, tentatively the first lines, "Eleh toldot Noach Noach ish tsadik tamim hayah bedorotav et-ha'Elohim hithalech Noach." The members of the congregation were able to read the English translation of Mulder's torah portion, which began, 'These are the chronicles of Noah. Noah was a righteous man, faultless in his generation. Noah walked with God.' He continued to chant the story of how the 'world was corrupt before God, and the land was filled with crime.' As Scully read the translated portion, all she could think about was how appropriate this tale was for her husband to recite. He sang about how Noah was called upon by God to build an ark, one with a skylight that is slanted. He sang about the flood that would destroy all life that remained on the land, but that God will keep His promise and keep Noah, Noah's wife and children safe. He sang about God's command to bring two of each kind, a male and a female, into the ark to live with Noah. And as he continued to chant, Mulder's voice became stronger and more confident. It was if he were telling of his own struggle to right the world's problems. As Scully read and listened to her husband chant with a new found strength and conviction, she wondered if Noah faced all of the obstacles her own husband faced in taking care of the world's ills. Surely people looked upon Noah as being somewhat of a madman for building this huge boat? Surely not all who listened to his explanations of God's commands believed him. Scully suddenly realized there were none who believed him, which was why there were no other humans but Noah and his family on the ark, along with pairs of the world's animal kingdoms. Scully smiled to herself as she thought, *And people thought Fox Mulder was Spooky.* Time passed quickly. She realized Gerry and Mulder alternated parts, when she realized Mulder had come to the end of his Torah portion by chanting, "Vayihi'u yemey-Terach chamesh shanim umatayim shanah vayamot Terach beCharan. "All of Terach's days were 205 years, and Terach died in Charan." He sighed a huge sigh of relief, and was allowed to sit down for a few moments. When Gerry called Mulder forward again, it was so Mulder could chant his haftarah portion. The rabbi instructed everyone to turn to the page on which Isaiah 54:1 began, and Mulder was going to chant the section to 55:5. Once again, Scully listened carefully as her husband began, at first tremulously, and then stronger and more melodious. As she followed along in the English translation, Dana was particularly taken with the words, "This is like the waters of Noah to me: I swore that the waters of Noah would never again submerge the earth; similarly, I swore that I would not be angry with you and would not rebuke you. "For the mountains may depart, and the hills may be removed; but My kindness will not depart from you, nor will My covenant or peace be withdrawn, says God, who has compassion on you." All Dana prayed for at this point in their lives is for her husband to finally find some peace. He worked so hard to get to this place in finding his faith again. She prayed Mulder could find some comfort in knowing his God; their God, is a forgiving and loving God. Scully startled a bit when she felt someone clasp her hand. She looked around, but didn't see anyone other than her mother to the right side of her and Elizabeth to her left. Dana felt a slight uneasiness until she heard a familiar voice in her head. *Shayner maydelah , he's going to be fine, you know.* Dana smiled as she concentrated her thoughts, *I know, Nana. He really is going to be fine, isn't he.* Dana felt the warmth of the old woman's hands on her own and Dana managed to return a squeeze to relay her love. Dana then placed her own hands on the roundness of her belly, and rubbed it lovingly. ~~~~~ Mulder finished his Haftarah portion and accepted the congratulations of the Rabbi and Walter, who was now the only other person on the bema with him and the rabbi. Walter was called up to chant an alleyah, a blessing, and stood as proudly as any father would stand with his son. Walter shook Rabbi Ginsburg's hand and then Fox's, but quickly drew him into an emotional embrace. Fox returned the hug with obvious pride and affection, and then watched as Walter returned to his seat. Gerry moved back to take a seat and left Mulder standing at the podium. It was time to make the speech. It was hard enough for Mulder to learn all of the torah portions; it was harder to write his Bar Mitzvah speech. What does a thirty-eight year old man, with a five year old child and a second on the way, have to say about becoming a man? He didn't want it to be trite, but he didn't want it to be so serious that it brought everyone's spirits down. Today was a celebration, and he didn't want to do or say anything that would put a damper on the day. So, that's how he began his speech. "Today, is a celebration. It's a day I had once looked forward to over twenty-five years ago, and finally got to see fulfilled today. "I stand before you a man of thirty-eight years. I have lived a life that many would say was filled with strife and hardships, and on any other day I might have agreed. "But, today is a celebration. Today, I choose to remember a time when I shared my life with a child of God; a spirit so bright and so loving, she was truly one of the lights of my life. My sister _," Mulder's voice cracked slightly at this point, and he needed to take an extra moment before he could continue. "__ My sister, Samantha, was the first to show me how to give and to receive love unconditionally; without judgment. Without ever asking anything in return. I haven't seen my sister in over twenty-five years, but the gifts she gave me and the lessons she taught me are carried in my heart forever. "Today is a celebration. I look out and see my mother who I have come to learn so much about in these last few months. We've traveled a rocky road together, my mother and I, but at least it's been together. I know it's been hard for her; it's been hard for me. But I also know the choices she made in the past made me the person I am today, and though some of those choices may have created some rough edges around my being, they also sculpted the fire and determination I have in seeking the truth, and ultimately, finding it. "Today is a celebration. I look out and see but a handful of people whom I am proud to call friend. Though there are only a few of you, it is the rarity that which makes you all the more precious. Richard, Leslie, Rachael, and Jason, I value your friendship and treasure your companionship more than I could possibly ever tell you. "Riichi and Mashiko, I am so grateful for your camaraderie and support. You especially Riichi, have proven time and time again to be a giving and valued friend. "Karen, you, my friend, and yes, I do consider you a friend, have helped me regain my sanity back. I thank you my friend." Mulder then turned around to face Gerry Ginsburg and said, "And you, Rabbi, you have helped me to regain my soul and my faith. I thank you my friend. "Today is a celebration. As Noah was instructed by God to build an Ark and bring the animals onto it, two by two, I discovered that I could not go through life without a partner. God knows I must have done something right in my life, because He saw fit to bring me my soul mate. "And before I even knew I was in love with her, her own mother knew, and chose to adopt me as if I were her own. Maggie, I don't know what I would have done without you during those dark times, but even more, I am so grateful to have your love and support during the light ones too. Today is a celebration, Maggie Skinner, and I am so grateful you are here to celebrate it. "And then there was a man I feared even being in the same room with, and not because I thought he would harm me. No, I thought he found it impossible to accept me or respect me as I'd accepted and respected him. I felt it was easier to pretend he was an enemy than to try and gain his confidence in me. "I'd never had a true male role model to look up to before I met this man, and the idea of it scared me. Who could have known this very same man would become not only my mentor, and my friend, but also my father-in-law. God was truly smiling on me the day He decided to bring you and Maggie together. I need you so much, and the fact that you allow me to need you is a gift I can never repay. Thank you, Walter. Thank you, Dad." Mulder had to stop for a minute and take a few breaths at this point. He looked and watched Maggie and Walter do the same. Mulder was a bit afraid to look at his wife. He was afraid if he did, he wouldn't be able to finish his speech. He took one last breath, looked at his son, and smiled the smile of the Gods. He spoke with a gentleness he reserved for his first born, "You are my gift from God, Adam Mulder. You are the reason I searched for my faith, and I thank you my beautiful boy. Someday, you may choose to find your faith in the synagogue or in the church, but where ever you choose to find God, sweetheart, it's okay. A very wise, wonderful woman told me, it doesn't matter if you find God in another house; at least you'll have found God. "Thank you, Adam, my son, for giving me a reason to find my faith again. I love you my son, my son. I love you so much." "I love you too, Daddy," answered the sweet, resonant voice from the first row. Mulder smiled in reply. "And thank you, Nana, because I know you're here with us too, for helping me realize how important faith in God and in our loved ones is to my life. "Today is a celebration! And I am the luckiest man in the world to be able to celebrate this day with the most special lady in the world. My Scully. Always, always my Scully. "The first time I thought of you in that way was the day I thought I'd lost you forever. That was a day I would normally want to forget forever, but I can't, because it's the first time I realized how much I loved you. Of course I couldn't admit it to anyone; I couldn't even admit it truthfully to myself. But your mother knew, Scully. She knew right away, and she stuck with me; with us. "Today is a celebration, my love, and I couldn't have gone through this without your support and your understanding. Oh, Dane, I can't imagine any other woman in the world putting up with all that I put you through. And yet you did. You do. You always will, because you love me. Unconditionally. And God knows, I do know what a gift that is. "Today is a celebration! I love you, Dana Katherine Scully-Mulder. I love you, and our son, and our child to be. I have finally come to a place in my life when I can say life is a celebration! "Today is a celebration of my coming of age. It may have taken an extra twenty-five years to get to this point, but it was worth it. Thank you, my friends, and my family. Thank you for all you do for me. I love you all." After a moment or two of stunned silence, joyous shouts of "Mazel tov!" could be heard all throughout the sanctuary. Today, Fox Mulder was a man. ~~~~~ End of Part 6/6 And to Daniel, I love you my son, my son.
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